Life Beyond the Club

Its odd most of my transition has been so focused on one thing.  This one thing that I thought was the most important mountain to climb, monumental almost in size it seemed.  This task was only one thing to pass and pass well enough to blend in.  I thought that would be a challenge with my height and what I though where imperfections.  I thought wrong,  someone once told me that people don’t really look at others.  What most people see of someone passing by is a blurred image of what you really look like.  I found out this to be so true.  I was out last year around June at an all you can eat places and really never had any issues.  Even so I have been taking time and really being full time was something so far off in my mind.  Its not anymore, and really I am out except at work.  I am ready to start back down my mountain.  I have some things left to do like finish my electrolysis off, work a bit more on my voice, change my name (all the papers might be another mountain ;-), oh there is a surgery, and really that’s it.  I am still dealing with the parents, wife and how all this is really going to work…  what I found though is exactly what so many other transsexuals have in the past, passing is really just the beginning.

Now its time to breath a deep breath and start living.  By living it also means less time in the clubs.  I really love the local group I am part of and appreciate every one of the transgendered girls I have meet.  With that stated I can’t always be looking for support from other transgendered girls in the club.  I am finding the opposite to be true now.  When I first started going to the transgendered group people where excited to see me.  It was like I was the  new kid on the block and really I loved the attention.  I don’t need that kind of attention but it was nice.  Now I am like the over popular person that I think sometimes they just want me to go away.  I have even had one girl tell me its easier when I am not there because I make them look bad.  I know she was 1/2 joking, but really it made me realize maybe some people there resent me.  I really wish I could talk to some of those that do resent me.  To me the real magic is some of the cross dressers that never take a hormone and look so feminine when they are done.  I have quite a few friends from the group so I know I will never completely go away, but I do need to distance myself to some degree because its not life.  Also the few friends I have one has made so many passes at my wife that I have lost all respect for her.  I still need to confront her but at the same time its not really that important I just know she will never be that close to me.

On a different note I went to see a friend of mine from my old job.  She was very supportive of me doing this and really wondered why I didn’t tell her when I was working at that job.  I really wish I would have, but I was just comming to terms with things myself at that time.  It took me almost a year to realize its ok to be transsexual and that life was not over.  I was so prepared for doom and gloom and to be honest its been quite the opposite so far.  Jobs have been difficult but really everyone is struggling at this time.    I have been lucky that the contracts I have found have been paying me more than a normal sallary would.  I just hope this one lasts more than two months like my last did.  Its very difficult emotionaly to deal with loss of income over and over.  I guess what I am saying is that my personal stuggles really took longer than my physical transition.  I even went to the place that did my hair transplant and meet them for the first time.  Everyone there knew about me being transsexual  it was just more of me saying hi to them and kind of like closure for me.  Its amazing how nice people really are when you give them a chance to see the real you.