So much stuff going on…

I don’t even know where to begin… so I will begin with an ending.  I lost my job.  I was let go a few weeks ago for “performance and quality reasons.”  I am a software web developer.  The sad thing is that they have a bug forum and I didn’t have any bugs in my queue.  I almost never had a bug and did everything I was asked.  On the way out to the car I was told I would find a job quick because, “I have very good skills.”  Such double talk in this world.  Its ok though and I didn’t really fit into this new place anyways.  I had been there almost a year its just sad before Christmas with a family that they would do this.  I don’t understand why companies are so heartless and really they have some people that should be fired which are still there.  I hate the corporate world and really always did better in small companies for that reason.   Actually I don’t like corporations for more than that reason.  I also came out to one of the ladies I worked with.  She said I was rigid with others and we got along great, but she though I was gay.  I wonder how many others thought that and again it just confirms what I am.  It really confirms I need to be out and be me.  Its sad though I took a risk leaving a job I was at for 4 years for this job.  I was manager and stepped down from that position to go to this company that really didn’t even want to hear my opinion on anything.  In all though everything happens for a reason and I am just trying to stay positive about it.

I also attended a Trans Health forum just addressing different issues with health care.  It was a very interesting meeting.  I meet some more people at that event.  Its always good to hear others stories and see new people out.  I talked with one of the people that work with the Trans Health Coalition here and am going to help plan it this year as well.  I will be working with that person tomorrow actually.  Its going to be interesting to be more on the fore front planning events instead of just going to them.  Its so good to be sought after and an opinion desired.  Now only if I could find a job like that again…

I went to a Day of Remembrance event last night as well.  It was quite an event they had a trans choir that sang and then the reading.  That was very sad hearing them read about the 30 transgendered related murders last year.  It was so hard to hear about these girls, some of them dumped in trash cans.  That’s just such a statement like they were nothing but trash.  I couldn’t help but think of these girls and their lives.  These people that went through all the persecution they did to come to terms with who they are.  Then to have this happen to them is nothing short of a tragedy.  One of them that really struck me was that of a 15 year older that came to school in girl clothing how sad to do nothing wrong and deal with so much hate.  I will never understand how a human being can deliberately hurt another person but this is so much worse…

I also went to the club after the event and meet more people.  I had extra makeup in my purse which was good after the reading.  I got myself cleaned up and meet more people at the club.  There was a natal female there that was so much fun and yet looking back on it clubs are kind sad in a way.  I love people and I really enjoy being around them but its just a place to hook up for most of people.  Its like a meat shop and that really bothers me quite a bit.  I love the social aspect of getting together with people… its just the idea that people are really on the hunt for people instead of friendship that bothers me.  I understand so some people are single, but what happened to dating and getting to know someone is it gone in these days?  Well before I get carried away all this leads me to a whole different subject.

I had a flat tire on the way home and no spare tire.  If you want to talk about a ghostly white looking girl it was me.  Stuck on the side of the highway after the Day of Remembrance worried I would be the next girl.  Well I am glad to say I am not a statistic.  I am here today, talked with a policeman, and had to have my car towed home as well.  I am so glad I have a cell phone, but you should have heard the shock on the phone when I told them my name was well my male name…  Well I guess my voice passes, but really it was an odd and scary situation to be in.  I am just glad the driver of the two truck was very friendly and possibly gay.  The officer was well a police man asking, “what are you doing on the side of the road.”  “Have you been drinking”, and all those great questions.  Why are your eyes red…  Well lucky to say I don’t drink well had one early in the night like 9 and don’t smoke anything so I was fine.  It just makes me really think twice about drinking at a club and that I should really have a good spare in the car.  Of course I could not see changing a tire in the frigged cold.  I would not be one happy girl to go through that and might have some colorful adjectives to throw out at that time.  Of course it would have been better than taking the risk I had to take.  In the end all is well that ends well.


Do I really pass?

I thought I would give an update since my last writing was not about transitioning.  I hope no one takes it wrong either what I said.  I am actually really looking forward to see if things get better.  I find it odd and kind of scary that there are not exclusive laws to protect us now.  Of course laws would only get passed to protect us if the Democrats win.  The problem is that I don’t really agree with the Democrats or the Republicans on several key issues so either way I am not too excited.

I went out on Thursday night to my favorite little club with the wife.  She usually doesn’t go but she came with me this time.  I like to wear normal clothing when I go out to clubs and by that I mean nothing too clubish.  I am not there to get picked up so its a chance to look like an average girl.  Also its great to see all my friends.  I guess my goal would be to get good enough that people have to ask even when I am with my “sisters.”  Don’t get me wrong I do wear some club clothing sometimes you just have to.  Its just that I really want to get that normal everyday look down.  I went wearing my white Cami, and pink top with some jeans.  So it was nothing major fancy but looks good on me.  I know I looked good because I got several compliments that night.  I had one lesbian girl come across the club single me out and tell me I was the prettiest girl there before she left.  I don’t believe her but it was nice to hear.  To single me out like that meant she knew what I was, but still its a good compliment.  I also meet Kate Bornstein there and she stopped looked at me and said, “wow your beautiful.”  It was a very nice compliment and we chatted very breifly.  I guess she has wrote several books, plays, and is an activist, but was more into the show than talking.  I wish I would have talked with her before the show.  Its always good to meet people that have completed there transition and are now living life.  Its even better to meet someone who is successful at it and a writer.  I have always loved writing myself if you couldn’t tell.

The night ended on a rather grim note though.  One of my friends is very beautiful and really I don’t think anyone knows she is transgendered was there.  I had been defending her forever to my wife and now I am lost as to what to do.  She was in the rest room when my wife walked in and I guess she thought my wife was beautiful.  Not only did she compliment her which is fine she tried to kiss her open mouth and touched her in some very inappropriate spots.  My wife is very sneaky about some things and so you can’t really be sure if it happened or if she just wants me not to talk to her anymore.  It really bothered me so I told my wife I called the club and told them what happened.  Also I told her they fired her.  Now if my wife was lying about it she would have said something, but she said nothing about it not being true.  I know its wrong to play this way, but a girl has to be cleaver about finding the truth.  If I had asked again I know she would have been offended… the problem is that it really happened.  I know for sure now and confronted my friend, but she said it never happened.  We were supposed to go out as a group to a haunted house and do some things as a group that are definitely on hold now.  I am just so lost and almost disgusted at the whole scene now.  I told my wife we are going to start going to different places.  I love getting out and being with other transgendered friends, but really that’s too much.  Its no wonder girls like us have a bad reputation.

I had a good day out though on Saturday.  I went with my wife shopping at Kohls.  We found several cute things more than we could buy.  They have such a good sale right now so we choose some choice clothing.  I went to the check out stand and didn’t have my Kohls card on me.  The girl at the counter must have been all of seventeen and was very polite.  I told her I didn’t my card with me and she said it was no big deal.  She told me to just enter the SSN thats on that account.  I did and then she asked for the id.  So I passed her my id and then she asked me how I was related.  She asked me if I was his daughter.  I was laughing to myself so hard because it was my id and said a yeah.  Then she asked for my id.  I had to lean in and tell her that was my id.  Then she said what?  I leaned in and said I know its odd, but that’s me.  To which she responded Oh, no not at all.  I have to say that really made my day.  Actually it made my week because here was my id and me in person yet she didn’t even recognize that it was me.  I guess I pass though in public.