Its been a while since I posted. I am sure I left people wondering if I was ok. The truth is I am doing wonderfully. Its been a difficult long road but things are all lining up now for the best. It’s amazing how things come together that take so long in the works. I know it also seems really bad to go through a divorce, but its something that had to happen. The way it came about though was not to be expected. It was quite a shock to have my ex run off and now I found out has dated two different guys. It really doesn’t matter all the details it’s just so over. The thing that really made it difficult for me was that we were married. We made a commitment to each other, which I was willing to uphold through anything. She didn’t want to work at it though and really that’s where I was struggling. I am not one for open relationships and hanging threads. I would rather cut them off and be done. I still don’t get the idea of her living with me but the kids should grow up together. Of course who could blame her for wanting to leave after all I am a transsexual and I want to live my life as well not in this lie. Don’t get me wrong it’s not that I didn’t love her its just different. It is and was more like a sisterly love and we have a very different set of core values.
I finally filed the divorce papers with her this last week. After that it was a huge sigh of relief. I also signed her car over to her because prior to that it was in my name as she doesn’t have a license. It’s nice to no longer have that worry hanging over my head. I was so happy this last week just for this reason. I really didn’t expect it either, I mean here was something I was fighting so hard for, for such a long time. For it to just be done was a huge joy for me. I no longer feel like I have a responsibility to make things right and for that I am very happy. Like I said its odd ironic and I am done with long-term relationships for now. I have my kids to worry about and that’s it. They are my world and all is at it should be.
My work is also changing which is good as well. I don’t know why but I have this huge urge to do everything myself. Its part of my nature to pull everything in and take care of too much. My work was this way as well. I was and am still the sole developer of 24 websites. Well its more like 5 different groups that have 24 regions but it’s too much. I broke down before the divorce and I realized this is me. I take in things that need someone to do everything, relationships included. Then I can’t do everything and try to push back, the problem is it doesn’t happen. Once you take everything in its kind of expected that you do all of it. With my work its been almost a year-long struggle for me to do it all. This is now resolved. I have a new program manager and a new developer that is starting. I just want healthy relationships from now in work and at home. I just want what I can handle. I don’t want to be a super woman, that will put me in the nut house. I don’t know why I had that desire and I just want one thing to focus on. That I can do and I will do it very well. It’s also ironic the job I have thrived most at are chaos when I start. Then when they are manageable I leave. It’s just the way I am, or have been. Now its my time to change and live a healthy normal life with normal set of requirements. Wish me luck because this is going to be a huge struggle to learn to let go, and just breathe…
I believe that in life we all go through great struggles. We all have many things to over come to become who we truly are. What we go through defines us and shakes us to our very core. It also shows others who we truly are as well. The person we are at our core also will define who are good friends are and who we associate with. Its times of struggle that we need to be careful who we associate with, who we let into our inner being. These people can either bring you down later in life or build you up. I realize now that I have made some rather poor choices in the past. Maybe they where not such poor choices, but not something that I should not have fought for. Sometimes we hold on so tightly to things that we shouldn’t just out of need. While its crazy I realize we should never hold on to someone they should just be there. If you hold on and pull it’s not a fluid motion. Its like swimming up-stream, eventually one way or another you get tired and start going back down stream. While going back down the stream you end up scrapping along the bottoms of rocks hit a few drifting logs and come out tore up from one end to the other. Sometimes we pull out just in time before we drown in the raging pool that surrounds us. Other times I think people get lost in these rivers and never fully recover. I realize now, transgendered or not it would never matter. We never sat in a calm pool of water together. We were always pulling at opposite ends and that is how we lose ourselves.
Relationships really are about finding the core of another person then seeing if you can survive together. No one really win or losses when it’s over. Its more about how you face the day and learning from your past. I hope I can wake up after this and go back to who I am. I fear if I don’t I will lose everything. This is where the core of my being is being tested. Now is the time to stand up and be strong for myself. I realize it would be the worst time in the world to be with someone yet I desire intimacy as well. I even asked my best friend if I could fly her out. I should probably call her again. It’s just time for friends and being happy with my choices.
I had a very difficult day yesterday quite obviously. I woke up sobbing from a dream, a dream of my wife getting married to someone else. I was there as a spectator watching everything as she was so happy. I just wanted to die. In my dream I stormed off so angry and so upset. I layed there after waking up just sobbing for hours and hours on end. I finally dragged myself out of bed around 2 pm. Then I got ready and went to a friends. Its tough when people you love and reach out to are not there. The truth is that the person was never really there in the first place though. I am sorry to those of you that read that know her… but this was her death-bed. I realize that now, her coming here and being with me was her death. The whole time she sobbed and was living death. I am not dead and I never will live life that way again. I should have been happy for her instead. If she is truly happy now then she has found something I could never give her. For that I should be truly happy for her and grateful.
My choice in life has changed now and I have a huge choice ahead. I can choose myself to live or die. That is really the only choice. When you choose death it’s not something that happens right away. There are people everywhere that choose death. You can see it on their faces, you can hear it in their dreams of which they have none. The other choice is life. For me I choose life. I will no longer sleep in and lay a dying bed of death. I choose this life this is my dream. I should never apologize or feel sorry others don’t understand my dream. This is my choice my dream and I am going to live. I always to be this and do the most in life with everything I do. I will no longer settle down and be a sad story with a dead dream. This is my choice to live and live fully. I want to be awake even if I am to the point of exhaustion. Just to experience more of life. I am glad someone else moved on, maybe I didn’t have the sense to a long time ago. I need to be alive again and its been a long time indeed.
It has been a rough week. This was a week of decisions not by me but for others. It’s always difficult to see if others will choose the right choice. Something where you have to let go and see what will happen. I hate it and I always have. You can tell them what you want, then you have to let go and watch while they make the decision. It’s ironic that there was not even a 2nd though about what was wanted. So today I am filling out divorce papers. I am not a 2nd choice or a wait and see kind of girl. She wanted me to be in an open relationship and wait to see if she could do this. There is never a choice in my mind. If there is a choice then its long over and if it’s not now it would be soon enough anyways.
I have also lost myself this last few weeks. I guess its kind of to be expected. Maybe its been this month that I have lost myself. I have shed lots of tears and lots of pain but I made a decision as well. I thought about everything a long time and about all my relationships. It’s sad to say, but I understand why people hook up. It’s so easy, no pain no real love and you get an emotional semi sort of connection. It seems very simple for a broken person with personality flaws to go down that road. I even entertained the idea, but I realize in fantasy its easy. The reality of things would not be for me. Part of the reason I withdrew from my own wife physically was because we didn’t have an emotional connection. I thought I would wait and see if she wanted to build that back up if I withdrew. It didn’t happen, of course I am partially to blame as well. Its life and if you see things as worth it I then you make steps to make it worth while. I never believe that any relationship is easy. Anyone that’s married has thought of being with others, has lost that love connection at times. What makes it worth it is working through everything in the thick of it and saying it was always only you… Of course I also realize she has every reason not to want to be with me. I mean after all I am a woman now.
I guess what I am getting at is even though every relationship I have had has failed. I still have hope. I realize now that if someone is not as interested in the mind, body and soul of a person it’s just not going to work. I also know I can’t just run around and hook up with people. I also think there is more hope now because I am not hiding who I am either. I realize as well that I can’t go drinking and get lost in that world as well. My decision is my children and their world. I realized that they might be the only love I have and I am fine with that. They are such wonderful little bundles of joy. They love me no matter what and they have been so neglected by others. Its time to show them the world and how much they matter. Time to show them that black and white is not always black and white. The world and people in it are full of odd contradictions which is part of life. It’s also time to get back to meditation, holistic foods, and excercise. I am actually very happy with this decision. While I might end up a single mother of two that was born male, I am way ok with that. Till next time, lots of love to everyone.
So this last week I went to a play. I didn’t really know what to expect it was a play that titles itself beyond the gender binary. So being a little sceptical and yet interested I grabbed a friend and went. Well I should back up for a second. I was more than sceptical, this is its second year being out and it was sold out last year. So this time I put the tickets on hold right away. I didn’t want to miss it this year. It was so good, and bad… but over all very good.
I loved the play they really dove into all the thoughts that so many of us face. Some of these skits where so depressing though. I never realized how much self-hatred some of these people have for their gender. I mean I realize it, but this was beyond that. Then again if I think about some of the cases out there of course some people have to be at those extremes. It just seems that most of the hollywood cases are so sensationalized.
It’s interesting, I have never really meet someone who was so sure they where female that they would kill themself if they couldn’t be that. Then again maybe I am wrong. It just seems like most people I have known generally didn’t fit in their own gender. It’s like putting on the wrong shoes it doesn’t fit, not sure why looks a little sloppy, but you can maybe fake it. Everyone around you can see something is off as well. I think that’s more the way most transgendered people I know are. They tried to be male, kind of made it fit but really didn’t belong there. I know very few that are extreme female, but they still didn’t transition till later on in life.
The play of course had these extremes of both male to female and female to male. I think it’s really amazing to meet female to males and they had some in the play as actors as well. I just find them so interesting because they are just the opposite side of what we are doing. I guess over all the play left a gloomy impression on me because of the extremes. They had a very good balance of people who were gender queer, and transgendered though. The play really went into all sorts of issues like bathrooms, the separation of sex from gender, even some non traditional transitioning ideology (like not getting surgery). Even though I had a taste in my mouth of gloom, I wanted to watch it again the next day. It really makes you think and I love things that do exactly that. I really hope someday the world gets past all the gender issues and people can just be people… but then that’s kind of like finding the perfect society just a dream. For some people my dream would be a nightmare, complete and utter chaos.