I usually try to think positive.  I was taught you should always think the best of everything and everyone.  Sometimes I wish I was taught the truth.  There is no love, there is no happily ever after.  Those ideas and the thought that love could conquer all no longer exist.  That was a fairy tale that I bought into.  I want to believe that it could happen.  I want to be honest with someone, open up everything that I am.  Be lost in someone for everything they are and every dream they have.  The sad reality is that no one I have ever met really wants the work that goes into that reality.  I probably shouldn’t whine and complain after all I am just a transsexual…  no one signed up for this kind of a marriage.  I just wanted to believe that we could conquer all.  I wanted to believe in happily ever after.  Even when our relationship was going down in flames, I wanted to hold onto that last spark.  I feel that if it dies something inside me will die with it.  Its time though, time to let go and let that piece of me die.

2 thoughts on “Love is a lie…

  1. Hi
    My name is Denise Holliday and I am a post-op trans woman. I admit that our lives our at best uncertain for probably over 60% of us. but life for some people who have all the blessings of normalcy are less than we have.

    I was unfortunate in my youth and received no help and never admitted I was trans till 3 months after my wedding to the woman I have lived with for almost 40 years.

    She agreed that if I hung on till the kids were born, I could transition. She never promised to stay with me but that is what she has done. I have two daughters who are 21 and 31 years old and my son was almost 37 when killed in a motorcycle accident.

    I transitioned at age 50 and had to retire early due to a minor brain block that stops me remembering names. That was a year ago.

    I am sixty four this year and realize that despite my identifying as female at age 3 or 4, I lived as a male most of my life.

    Not knowing your age it is hard to make any kind of assessment, but I wish you the best in all you attempt.

    May you be blessed with patience and wisdom beyond your present situation.

    Take care

    Denise Holliday

    1. I am actually quite a bit younger than you. I am in my 30’s and started in my early 30’s. I didn’t think I could wait till I was older. Its just something that was always there and people could always sense it. They would tell me they thought I was gay… some didn’t know or couldn’t guess but they didn’t really know me.

      As far as everything going on. I feel almost ashamed for how much anger I have towards someone. I know I will make it through but hope I don’t become a worse person. Its my hope to grow stronger and keep some of my innocents out of this. I have some hope in that I am young, just don’t know that I believe in love anymore.

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