I wish I had great news that I could say I have a new job and its wonderful.  The truth of the matter is that I have rarely had calls about any job opportunities.  I also wish I could say everyone is doing great as well.  The truth of the matter is its been a struggle.  I have had a cold now for about 3 months straight.  When I finally went to the doctor a month after having a cold they gave me some over the counter stuff.  Needless to say that didn’t work.  I finally just ordered antibiotics online and they got here this week.  Who says we have health issues in the United States?  Well then my car broke down which everyone knew about…  Then my wife got the same cold that I had / have and my son came down with pink eye.  To top it off my cable modem decided to take a nose dive so I was fighting with Comcast on my cell phone for hours to try to resolve that issue.  I got it resolved but not without wasting time (about two hours on the phone) and two days of running around.  The issue was not my modem at all, but my router.  I think this is my third router that I have gone through.  Of course I didn’t figure that out till getting a new modem from Comcast and then running to the store and buying a new router.  I found that if you reset the router, (its a linksys) to the factory defaults it will work.  I could just say that I am drowning in a frigged hell, but that wouldn’t really say it.  I have good news though.  I ended up with new tires from a friend, and about $300 from out of the blue.  Its amazing what happens in times of need and I would have to say someone is watching out for me.  Still I feel like a rock getting beat on the shore till all that’s left is a smooth round pebble.  I don’t understand why life has to be such a struggle.  It really makes me question a lot of things including transitioning, but I know I will never give up on this.  I just can’t its a part of me its always been there, and I could not see myself as anything but me.

I have often wondered when these feelings started and when it was when I first felt this way.  I can honestly say I have never felt like a woman trapped in a mans body.  That is just such a cliché saying and really doesn’t summarize being transsexual.  I just got done reading Julia Serano and she really stated it well.  I can’t remember exactly how she phrased it but its so true.  One of the things she says is, “How can we presume to know whats its like to be woman.  We can only identify more with one gender or another.”  I think that pretty much sums up how I feel as well.  My earliest memories where never so strong as to deny that I was a boy.  I did not really understand why girls had cooties and what was so scary about them.  I found it almost entertaining watching the other boys run from the girls.  Even at that age I had friends that where girls, and didn’t understand the game.  I also remember seeing my cousin at 5 or 6 and wondering why I couldn’t be pretty like her.  I adored her and we played a lot together.  She was the first to show me how to braid hair, and we would play with her Barbie dolls or tea.  I always wondered why I could not have dolls, and yet I was all boy as well.  I guess that’s why I often would find myself lost in what it means to be male or female.  I loved playing on bikes and anything with wheels was great fun.  I grew up on bikes, roller skates, skateboards and even later was extremely good at skiing.  I was into just as many things that could be considered girl things as well.  I remember watching carefully what everyone wore and cared very much about style.  My parents didn’t have the money to buy nice clothing, but I always knew what I wanted to wear.  I also remember being all of 9 at a 2nd hand store and my father handing me a pair of jeans.  They were girl jeans and I was so excited to try them on.  I always wanted that style.  I still remember them being skinny leg jeans.  My feet barely fit through them, but they fit and I loved how they looked.  In the end I told them they where girl jeans though, because I felt somehow someone would notice and was very shy.  I did however have a pair of jeans with the button fly that where girl jeans that I loved so much.  They where close enough to boy jeans that I could get away with it.  I also loved art work, music, quilting, and my mother was very good at teaching me how to do facials.  I also loved working with the hair dryer to do different styles with my hair.  I remember having a crush on this guy in 21 jump street and would always try to style my hair that way.  I always wanted long hair as well but was never allowed to grow it out.

What I am getting at is that really I had such a mix growing up.  I didn’t know where the line was.  I was told not to do a lot of things, but enjoyed doing so many things that could be in either gender.  Is it any wonder to be confused still, I don’t think so.  I know I identify more with females, but truth be told I tried to be male for so long. People always thought I was gay.  I often wonder if they feel this way, is it because I am not afraid of emotions or femininity.  I actually feel quite the opposite I would love to embrace it.  Maybe that is what makes me a transsexual the fact that I have always wanted that choice, and always wanted to be female.  To me it was so odd reading ‘Whipping Girl” because it really drew that gender line for me.  If you are truly a man or to be male anything feminine or cute you would run from.  I have never done that and to run from me would just feel fake.   So now I am looking for me and a job at the same time.  I guess its just a time to soul search and search.



2 thoughts on “Life in Limbo

  1. I am so glad you’re reading _Whipping Girl._ To me, she’s got the edge on gender theory. She is so good at categorizing without labeling, in my opinion, as well as finding deeply underlying biases and prejudices.

    Presuming to know what it’s like to be a man or a woman is right in line with Kate’s plea “Tell me how it feels to know you’re a woman” and perhaps Laurie’s corollary “How do you know you feel like a woman?”

    Women, like relationships, are made, not born. But you already know that.

  2. Sandy,
    Your life and my life seems to mesh with about the same experiences, but like 30 years difference in time. The more you become comfortable with yourself the stronger you will become. Being a transwoman is believing in yourself, for your are special and unique. I can’t speak for other sisters, but having lived is two genders gives me insight and knowledge that nontrans people could not fathom.
    Note: As you are taking estrogen, be aware of all changes that happens to your body. I developed male breast cancer after using estrogen for 14 months. So be aware and do self-breast-exams every month or so.

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