Which way are you transitioning…

I know its been a long time since I have posted probably a little too long.  I have just been living life and to be honest been having some fun at it.  There are some not so fun times as well but mostly enjoying things outside of home life.  I have watched quite a bit of stories about other transgendered individuals and I always finding it interesting how they come out.  I think this is most in part because this is what I fear the most.  Here my whole life I have dealt with people thinking I was gay.  Now I am going to do something even more scary.  Its something that has always concerned me how would I live if I couldn’t really fully get where I want.  In some ways that would be worse than someone thinking I was gay, or would it be.  A huge part of transitioning is coming to terms with who you are and how you want people to see you.  You hope for the best, take your hormones, hold off in kind of a gender no man land for as long as possible then transform.  Well that’s the hope anyways.

I have something kind of major that has happened.  A few people at my work are leaving.  While most of them would have no dealings with one important person is leaving.  The human resource person is leaving.  By that I mean she is leaving before the end of the year.   She is moving across the state which means that I hit a time line.  I had to tell her before she left.  It was one of those moments where I debated and debated it all morning.  I thought I was crazy and yet crazy not too.  I have so many friends that have transitioned and lost there jobs.  I know its against the law to fire a transgendered individual, but lets face it its easy to let someone go for any reason what so ever.  In the end I did it I walked into the office and told her.  I think she thought I was going to quit, I know it seemed kind of odd to her why I wanted to close the door.  Then after that I just kind of blurted it out.  The look on her face was a little shocked.  We started talking about things then she asked the oddest question of all.  She asked me which way I am transitioning…  I understand that at some point I was going to become gender neutral but this was new to me.  Here this person had no idea or she says was now asking what gender I am.  This really struck me, and was quite a compliment all in one.  So I explained that was transitioning into female and showed her what I look like.  After everything she said there are laws to protect me and that I could start dressing when ever.  Its kind of nice to have the go ahead all the sudd,en but I have more left to do before that moment.

I know she stated I could dressing but I can’t I have more to do.  I have to get into the gender neutral mode of dressing, and talking.  I want to get people everywhere to the point where they think I am female before I walk in that door with a name change and makeup.  Thats really my goal and has been for a while.  I want to get so far into that gender neutral spot that people start wonder why I don’t wear makeup.  So my first step is to stop wearing the compression shirts.  I also am going to stop lowering my voice all the time.  Its kind of scary because now people will really think I am gay, or not know what gender I am.  For me this is the moment where all those walls have to come down.  If I am going to transition this is the step for me to learn to be myself.  To show my emotions, likes, dislikes and really just stop putting up a wall around me.  This is not an easy step by any means because I will feel very vonerable.  All my life I have learned to hide who I am my emotions and self regulate things.  Its like you learn to censor yoursef and ask is that too gay to say.  Then if it is you try to rephase things so people won’t think your feminine.  After time you build this kind of fake image of yourself.  Transitioning is really about removing all the wall and learning to be real around others while changing your outword image as well.

Michael Jackson, we will miss you…

I have been in tears for a few days already over the whole thing…  Its hard to express everything I am thinking and its not really that I was a huge fan either.  I started listening to his music again over the past few months.  Its like something was telling me to listen and I started really appreciating him again.  I think during the time when he was so popular I liked a few songs,  but to be honest I think we made fun of him more than listening to him.  It was something where he was so miss understood.  I know my father even commented about how feminine his nose was and I didn’t think anything of it.  I rather liked it.  Its like the world stopped when he came out with some of his songs.  I still remember the first time I heard, “We are the world, Thriller, and Bad.”  Some of my favorite spoofs from Weird Al are his songs and Madonna and yet I love them both.  He was so miss understood though.  His skin color his oddities around covering his children.  The fact that he never really married, and the issues with the way he looks now.  He had some PR issues around some of the things he purchased.  He was taken to court a few times which we all know about and even his sister didn’t stand on his side at first.  He had physical and mental issues that really extend beyond what a normal person has to deal with.

He was abused as a child and instead of screaming out like Atlantis Morissette (who I also love) he came out with songs like, “Man in the Mirror, Heal the World, Black or White, We are the World, Earth Song…”  He donated his time and money to a number of charities a list of some 39 or more.  The list could go on and on yet this is not what the world showed him.  This is the reason I cry about the whole thing.  Its not right how the world acts on whole.  He was dare I say, a Martin Luther King and a King of Pop.  He gave us a new way to dance and gave us beautiful words.  He was and is an icon that will live on.  We just didn’t see it all the time because he was maybe a little too feminine for our taste.  He was a little odd to us because at one time he was black and then white.  He was wrong to us because he was different.  So what happened, he ended up dying alone.  He died in his rented house with his doctor in pain.  I am grateful that he was so big that no one will forget him.  He is getting heard by everywhere now.  I know he had the most record sales of all time before but now… 

Well the world stopped again when you passed on.  We are all listening now and what we see is a thing of beauty.  Your words we could all live by, and now we understand.  I hope everyone takes the time to think and really listen to what you where saying Michael Jackson.  We will not forget you, you are not alone we all love you.

A year of being out

April marks a year of being out and about as me.  I don’t mean out as in full time, but I started going everywhere very early on.  There are quite a few girls that go to clubs and stick to that for a while.  They figure out what works and what doesn’t, and then there are those that go full time the next day.  I would like to think I did a bit of both and have yet to really take the next step.  In all honesty a year doesn’t feel that long at all, and in ways its not that long.  I can tell though that full time is just around the bend whether I want it to be or not.  My hair has all filled in nicely by now and is getting longer, but I still want to do another transplant just to get it thick up front.  There are times I catch myself in the mirror though and think wow, you don’t look male at all.  Then there are those days where you put everything on do all the makeup and look in the mirror and think yuck…  nothing is working.  I have to think those are just bad days and we all go through that.

I wonder at times how reasonable it is for someone my height to be out all the time and try to pass off being full time.  Being in Los Vegas was kind of a wake up call as well.  All this time I thought I passed ok, but really its kind of shaken my confidence.  Its odd those events are supposed to make you feel better, but in all honesty I feel worse now.  I think people I have meet where just nice to some degree.  There are times you know you pass well, like when your at a drag event and people are asking if your a “real” girl (love that term what is “real”).  Although if I passed all that well they wouldn’t ask.  Which is kind of why I have been trying to get rid of my pride and joy.  I am selling my car and getting my debt squared away so I can do some FFS (facial feminization surgery).  I have always wanted a cuter nose and will do something with my chin.  I have yet to decide how much to do with my chin.  I think up front I will just have it tapered and see how far that gets me.  I don’t want to do something drastic with wires and all that, because I don’t like how overdone that can get.  I also don’t know if the surgeon will get it right and a tapper compared to breaking it and wiring it all back together.  I can’t imagine the recovery alone from that kind of a procedure.  I also don’t like how facial skin can look after that.

I am also working on loosing some more weight.  Its something that I gave a rest because there was a year that I lost 50 lbs.  After that I started hrt and gained back 10 lbs which is to be expected.  Its something that happens to all of us, but I would like to drop another 10 again so I started biking again.  Its about seven miles one way which is not a big deal, but not always fun to do.  Then today on the way I got a flat tire on the way home.  I didn’t pack anything to take care of it at all.  I have always worried this would happen but after biking 1k or so you just don’t think it will happen, then it does.  I had a friend pick me up about 2.5 miles away from home (thanks Michelle you so sweet) and won’t do that again without a spare tube and some sort of pump.  This would be the one time it happens, and it was the worst area as well.  I think that the worst area here is directly east, west of where I live.  It was very scary to walk through that area with my bike.  I kept thinking ok one of these people are going to pull my bike from me, but nothing happened.  Which maybe goes to show you shouldn’t judge by the cover, but you never know.  I am just glad nothing happened and I got more exercise than I was planning on.  I guess that’s an ok thing, now maybe I will fit back into that dress for tomorrows event.

All this brings me back to one thing…  Its been a year but its life.  It passes so quickly that your dreams and desires can fade away before you get a chance to do anything.  I am very glad I started this process and will keep making my own goals for transitioning and other things.  Its a road I am happy to go down at times and other times I wish it wasn’t my curse.  Either way I want to make the most of it and life.  I have also realized its a ballance act, I want to transition lilke yesterday, but I have to focus on life as well.  Being transgendered is not going away and its ok to take your time.  Its odd I can tell people react differently to me and in a positive way.  I am not saying its a great reason to transition, but when I did something maybe not so great before people would just assume you are an ass…  Now they are like oh its ok I am sure you didn’t mean to, which is the truth.  I really like that difference though in others to how they respond to me.  Its not the only positive thing, but its one thing that I appreciate.  I am looking forward to what another year will bring.

Diva Los what, or now I understand…

I have been known to be a little hard headed.  Personally I think its more than that, I am a little slow on getting things.  I went to Diva Los Vegas and almost had a complete mental breakdown.  I can tell you this much right now Diva Los Vegas is not for Transsexuals.  If you ever wondered if your a cross dresser or a transsexual this could be a good experience for you to find out.  I have really reached the end of what it means to be either or, so in that sense the trip was very worth while.  I am not going to say either path is good or bad, so please people don’t take offence.  I have just come to realize so much more than what I thought.

I have friends that are cross dressers, and I don’t use the term lightly “friends.”  Its kind of hard to write some of this because I don’t want them to take any offence.  The truth of what I saw there though was so different from a standpoint of a transsexual.  For one we want to blend into society, and I don’t just mean look passable.  We want to sound passable and we work on our voice, but we have the mannerisms already…  Sorry those mannerisms where there already, and why people always thought I was gay.  I didn’t “study girls” and figure out how they are the way they are I am that.  If this was a study in that regard I wouldn’t transition, I would cross dress.  Again nothing wrong, its just natural for me.  In a sense for a cross dresser they don’t change when they dress, and neither do I.  So when people compliment your mannerism just know if you didn’t study them then its inherent.

Back to Diva Los Vegas…  These people don’t want to blend ever.  When going out they feed on the attention, negative and positive.  To me it freaks me out to have people gathered around taking pictures, screaming dude next to the group.  Its just not the attention we want.  There are so many things that happened I really wish I didn’t go, but needed to learn the lesson.  In a sense its sad to see and you wonder what happened in these peoples life’s why they would crave the negative attention.  Its not that they can’t be more passable its really that they didn’t care to try.  Most of the people that I know are always very positive about how passable I am…  Well guess what that took work.  I don’t just mean a little either and to me that’s the difference.  I worked for three years before starting hrt to lose the weight and study different things (again not mannerisms).   I really wanted to know was this something I should try.  Is this really possible what kind of people can be successful at it.  Was this something wrong with me mentally where I needed any kind of attention.  This is a life changing decision, not something where I threw on a dress and walked out the door.  I knew when I took that first hormone that there was no turning back and you know I never will.  I love what has happened to my face, my complexion, my attitude, everything about HRT has been worth it except for one.  I live with one huge regret, I wish to God I didn’t have a family to put through this.  I literally cry about that all the time, but I know this is what I am.  This is a curse that I am so sorry to bring everyone else through.  That is a difference though I understand what I am, who I am, and working on making myself the most passable person I can be.  This way I can fit back into society and live a normal life once again.   This is not something I see cross dressers even strive for and one of the reasons transsexuals separate themselves so much from them.  We are two different people, its nothing either side should be offended about, but its life.

If anything though the trip was worth it in the sense that I know the line very clearly now.  I understand what it means to be a cross dresser, or transsexual.  I think some of these people start as cross dressers and at some point they realize they don’t like the negative attention then change.  I would think out of those that change some decide they no longer want to cross dress and others just take the next step and transition.  Really my heart goes out to all those that cross dress from emotional issues.  I heard a story from one of them that really made me understand why she was this way.  I wish I could help her and it was a very sad story.  It explained to me the cross dressing and all the other activities going on.  Also the trip makes me want to pull my pictures from flickr and drop all my other accounts.  I am not here for attention, for me this is clarity.  This is my therapist, even though I have one this clarifies things for me more than she does.  So thank you wordpress…  I owe you.

Kisses

~Sandy

New friend, and Bebe

I know I don’t blog so much anymore.  I really feel bad about not being on here so much, but there is a ton of content in here already.  Its just hard to keep going back and talking about the same feelings.  Trust me most of those feeling that where early on are still there.  I have not transitioned completely although outside of work I live pretty much full time.  I am still doing electrolysis like crazy and it hurts like hell and still working on my voice.  So not much has changed.  I still wish I could win the lottery and then go get whatever surgeries that I want, but that has not happened yet.  I don’t know why I mean after all Publishing Clearing House said I am a winner for the 100 millionth time.  My new job is also going well,but then I have only been there a short time.

What is new is that I got to meet Bebe from RuPauls Drag Race and I have another transsexual that I have meet.   I know Bebe is not something most transsexuals would ever talk about.  I really appreciate the idea on this one and how it was done.  She is a very sweet person on television and her personality only helps all of us.  Most of general public really has no idea what the difference is between drag, crossdressers, and transsexuals.  So having this show out there on drag in a more positive light only helps.  These people where portrayed as humans and not just some odd thing other than performing.  I realize that’s a far reach from a transsexual, but it was a good and a positive step in my mind.  So a special thinks to you RuPaul, Bebe, Nina Flowers, and Onjina.  I think you showed that your compassionate and human.  What really makes this great is that Bebe has moved on to help others and her show here was for AIDS donations.  I really think its great when people use there popularity to make others lives better.

Other than that I meet someone that works downtown.  She is a very different kind of transsexual that in a way I admire.  She is not your glam kind of transsexual, or hyper feminine at all.  She is very real, and in her mind very female.  I admire her for that reason.  She has no worries when she goes out and has lived full time since high school.  She has never done electrolysis maybe for money reasons, but this has not stopped her at all.  I admire that because as female as I look I still worry.  I know I pass well because even when I am out with cd’s at a drag show once and a while people ask.  I know at my height and with heals on I stand out, but never thought I would pass that well.  Yet I still am scared that people know when I go out and here is someone that doesn’t care.  She doesn’t pass and is solid in her gender and solid in who she is.  I wish I felt that way and maybe it just takes time.  If someone can tell I wish I was solid enough in who I am to stand up for myself and say something like its “madam.”  I have never had to do that and don’t know if I would have the strength too.  What can I say I am week in that area.  This is probably why I mask everything and try to pass well enough that I won’t have to deal with that.  I have a feeling when I transition at work I am really going to have to stand up for myself on this one…  Hopefully I will grow through this and maybe that’s when I will be blogging a lot more.