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Well its been almost a month since coming out and I know someday this will be very old news for me. For now it’s still fresh in my mind everyday. Everywhere I go I still think about it, but not so much anymore. It’s odd, but there is a huge release after coming out at work. It’s not like its such a scary thing to be in the world. In a way I don’t really care now what others think when I am out its still on my mind, but not like it was. I have security in that I still have a job in an economy that is so bad and I can really be myself. Those are two things I would have never thought possible especially in times like this. The one thing I have found though is that people generally don’t care or are too busy with their own lifes to care about things like this. Also that people can be very open-minded. There are a lot of people who I would have thought would take it differently than they did. Its kind of nice to have had the chance to trust in others enough to tell them. Its one of those things you don’t realize how gracious people can be till they are given the chance. My boss has really been amazing through this whole thing and it makes me so happy to have chosen this job.
The sad thing is that my boss has somewhat always beat me to the punch. When I wanted my name changed on my email he had talked with the “IT’ person already. When I wanted to send an email letting everyone know he already composed one. He also got me a gift for Christmas, again before I did. Darn him on that one. I really wanted to do something for him as well because he was so open about me coming out. Then we went and did that… arg now I am lost on when and how to get his present to him but I am sure I will figure that out. In all this I really do believe that what you send out to the world you get back. I know that might sound cheesy to some but really call it karma or whatever you will. It does exist and it does work. I was also watching part of whats called “The Gift,” and it has those same ideas in mind. When you put something out there in thought or in reality you slowly watch it become a reality if you give it enough thought. I really believe that transition, or any goal is all about that. Just putting your thoughts out there working on it and watching it become a reality. Dreams don’t happen over night and those that just expect it to fail when it doesn’t happen. Then again I could just be on my own high for now because it seems to work for now. You never know what a few more months might bring but then I know others that have made it work. So I have to believe that I can do it just to survive. Have to be careful what you put out there.
To everyone though I would like to say Merry Christmas. I don’t just want to say that and be empty. I really do wish the best for everyone. It’s sad to hear of so many losses of homes and jobs for people. I know how hard it is during these times to be out of work. I was two years in a row around Christmas and its so hard to have to tell kids sorry this is all we have. So for those in that situation I am truly sorry and wish the best of luck.
I wanted to follow up again about Las Vegas. I know it seems I can’t talk enough about it and it has not been all that positive. I did meet someone there though that was a very decent person. I meet this person there that is transsexual and started transitioning over ten years ago. She was a very passable woman and in any other place than the bar we where in, she would have flown under the radar. I only ended up talking to her by mistake and then realized it was someone else I was talking too. Even after talking to her I though she was a female it was only after some time did I realize she was transsexual. For a woman to pass so well another transsexual can’t really tell is a remarkable feat. I only really mention her because it was only after talking with her did I realize the full story. From my understanding Las Vegas has a lot of transgendered individuals that are homeless, but it’s not because they are transgendered. This could be the case for some of them but what she told me was that quite a few of them are hooked on drugs. It saddens me to hear this, and in another way it makes me feel that maybe there is hope for people who are just transitioning. Maybe the world is not so cold that it will cast out those that don’t conform to social normalcy. There is always hope…
Then there are just bad days. I always “love” talking to my mother about transitioning. It’s always great to hear someones views that are so deeply planted in old society thought. She loves to try to find verses in the Bible and point out how wrong it is for a man to wear women clothing. She even found the verse to back it up, but here is the thing… I am not a man I am a transsexual. Also there is one verse on that and many, many others on eunuch’s which is the old world word for transsexual. What I find very interesting about it is further study has so many interpretations for that word. Also going back to the bible it says nothing, but good things about eunuch’s. So I sent two of those verses back. I know this is another stumbling block for me but really I have a heart that I don’t want to go against God. I don’t feel like this is him vs me and never did but some people like to make things about that. It’s just good to have some backup that is even in the Bible.
I know I don’t blog so much anymore. I really feel bad about not being on here so much, but there is a ton of content in here already. Its just hard to keep going back and talking about the same feelings. Trust me most of those feeling that where early on are still there. I have not transitioned completely although outside of work I live pretty much full time. I am still doing electrolysis like crazy and it hurts like hell and still working on my voice. So not much has changed. I still wish I could win the lottery and then go get whatever surgeries that I want, but that has not happened yet. I don’t know why I mean after all Publishing Clearing House said I am a winner for the 100 millionth time. My new job is also going well,but then I have only been there a short time.
What is new is that I got to meet Bebe from RuPauls Drag Race and I have another transsexual that I have meet. I know Bebe is not something most transsexuals would ever talk about. I really appreciate the idea on this one and how it was done. She is a very sweet person on television and her personality only helps all of us. Most of general public really has no idea what the difference is between drag, crossdressers, and transsexuals. So having this show out there on drag in a more positive light only helps. These people where portrayed as humans and not just some odd thing other than performing. I realize that’s a far reach from a transsexual, but it was a good and a positive step in my mind. So a special thinks to you RuPaul, Bebe, Nina Flowers, and Onjina. I think you showed that your compassionate and human. What really makes this great is that Bebe has moved on to help others and her show here was for AIDS donations. I really think its great when people use there popularity to make others lives better.
Other than that I meet someone that works downtown. She is a very different kind of transsexual that in a way I admire. She is not your glam kind of transsexual, or hyper feminine at all. She is very real, and in her mind very female. I admire her for that reason. She has no worries when she goes out and has lived full time since high school. She has never done electrolysis maybe for money reasons, but this has not stopped her at all. I admire that because as female as I look I still worry. I know I pass well because even when I am out with cd’s at a drag show once and a while people ask. I know at my height and with heals on I stand out, but never thought I would pass that well. Yet I still am scared that people know when I go out and here is someone that doesn’t care. She doesn’t pass and is solid in her gender and solid in who she is. I wish I felt that way and maybe it just takes time. If someone can tell I wish I was solid enough in who I am to stand up for myself and say something like its “madam.” I have never had to do that and don’t know if I would have the strength too. What can I say I am week in that area. This is probably why I mask everything and try to pass well enough that I won’t have to deal with that. I have a feeling when I transition at work I am really going to have to stand up for myself on this one… Hopefully I will grow through this and maybe that’s when I will be blogging a lot more.
I have always found it interesting when people drop there families run off and transition. I would really like to know more about what happens and the events that lead up to it. I am lucky that my wife decided to stay with me and had she not I don’t know what life would be like now. I know I would have transitioned one way or another but was lucky that she put up with me so far. I know some people that have gone through divorces and transitioned. I wonder if the relationships they where in where not very fulfilling. I know in my relationship there are times things are very tough because she is not a communicator. We are very gendered reversed in our household, however there are somethings my wife does that are very stereotypically female. One of the things that is very different about women is their relationships with friends. Men have this way of being competitive, rude, or very macho with one another. While I have never really been much for that kind of relationship I was not like a female either. Let me explain, I was always courteous and cared about my friends, but females can be a whole different level of caring. They write down there friends birthdays, take notice of there likes, dislikes, everything about there friends are are very sharing. If there is something they have that someone else likes they just give to them with no 2nd thoughts. I am not saying all females are that way, but this is one feminine quality I would say my wife has. She is so much this way that some people miss take her actions of expectations from friends as selfish. She is also very feminine when she wants to be and knows how to coordinate clothing things so well. I would have to say she has the best taste in clothing when she tries. My point is that she is very selfless, and really this is a quality within a lot of females. They make so many sacrifices for there families and the ones they love. They sacrifice so much for family you have to wonder if they where in your shoes would they transition at all? Here we are trying to be so feminine and yet it strikes me as odd how selfish transgendered people can be when they start transitioning.
I really love what candyfla stated in one of her youtube vblogs. She really had a great point when she stated transitioning is a time for us to evaluate our lives. This is the time when we are in a rebirth and really we can change the things we don’t like about ourselves as well. If you don’t like something about your old personality now is a good time to change that. Take the risk to change yourself and think of others. I know a lot of us become selfish because we feel we have lived our lives for everyone else and now is our time. Just think though does anyone really live for them self? We all have to make sacrifices in life and maybe its time we make the ultimate sacrifice and give more of ourselves. This could just be my own thought of femininity though. I know everyone has there own ideas of femininity and really this is just a part of it to me. The relationships that females have is such a big part of everyday that its one of the major reasons for my transition. I know that seems odd but really I have a hard time having male friends. Its not that I am transitioning for male attention, because believe me I am far from that. I am more or less saying when I am female, males communicate with me on a different level and so do females. Its hard to explain but really it feels right. Its more like where I should have been all along. I just hope I can fit the bill and be a good friend to others.
Kisses ~Sandy
Ok I thought I was ok being in-between but I am not… I can’t stand it. I just want to be complete. I am saving money though this year for ffs next year. Everyone says I don’t need it, but I so do. I want to be complete and look female even in guy clothing. It was fun going out and seeing that no one recognized me at my local hang out and yet depressing. They just thought I was some guy. I was even congratulated by a drag qween that works there. I love her tons so nothing against that, but she said some people only have one look and I don’t. I told her I only want one look… Well she didn’t understand that, I guess that difference between us right there.
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