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It is often stated that one should forgive and forget. I have come to think of this quite differently. While I agree we should always forgive individuals I have a different mindset about forgetting. Maybe that is just life or the hardening of my heart, but I have the thought we should never forget. People will say they are sorry, people will come up with great reasons for their actions but many of those actions will never change. Just as people do not change in ways we would wish. Its naive almost to think about forgiving and forgetting. Its not smart either and really people should not apologize for behaviors they cannot change. I once heard a person say that they hated how often someone would say they were sorry. His statement was why apologize for a nature or action that you’re not going to change. It’s a pointless gesture in much the same way we ask how someones day is. We are not really interested in hearing the utmost intimate details of ones life. It’s just a gesture to say hey I noticed you there and couldn’t think of anything interesting to say, so how ya doing? At the time I thought the person was rude for saying that they hated hearing sorry so often. Now I really think they had a point. So if its nature and the habit is not going to change then why say sorry? Why not just say this is my nature I could say sorry but I am not going to change. I know it’s not pc but it would cut out a lot of bs in really knowing who someone is. There is a lot to life that really if we take a deep look it’s just a cloud of deception to hide the reality. I almost wish there was no such thing as political correctness no such masks for individuals then we would really know people. I say almost because there is a nice layer of hope that comes from deception.
Lots of people are people wondering what the hell. We have not had an update from you in years and you come back with this? I am done with this blog forever. Yes, sorry its been way too long. I really miss writing my feeling out on some wall. Let me write the back story and maybe you will forgive me, did I mention I was sorry? Okay the honest truth is that I have been writing in my mind for years. I have keeping things bottled up for a lifetime. It all has to come out sometime. Well here is the back story. When I last left I didn’t know if I would ever see my parents again. My ex hated me but talked about maybe coming back at some point and I was here with two kids trying to be a everything to them. Not much has changed well except I did finally see my parents. My oldest son finally meet his mom. Oh and my ex is still talking about someday coming back. So some progress in my life and more on that back story.
It took my parents five years to come to terms with things a bit. Still they miss gender and purposefully call me their son all the time. Its frustrating and yes I have cut conversations short because of that. Most of the time on the phone the entire conversations are steered well away from my gender and transition. When that becomes the conversation it was in the past about how I was going to hell. For parents the fastest way to kill off your transsexual kid would be to tell them they are going to hell. Trust me most kids will take that very seriously and it’s probably the reason for the suicide rate. We can apologize, say we are sorry but this is our nature and not going to change. Trust me on this one if we could change we would. This is not an easy road and time only makes things more difficult for some things and easier for others. Either way the only reason my parents finally let me visit was my father’s health. He is not doing so great. He had a hip replacement and his body is rejecting it in some ways. The hip replacement was a while ago but basically it’s slowly poising his body. We have talked off and on in email and it came down to the reality. I wanted him to see his grandchildren. One of which he had never meet and he is 5 this year. It was very good though to finally see them. I know things have always been rough between us but that week actually was very good. I am thankful that things are at the point where I can at least visit them once again.
I was also able to talk with my ex my oldest sons mom. We had not spoken in seven years. My other ex was hanging up on her and making things almost impossible for her. I had lost touch and she had also moved ten times over the last seven years. The good thing is that I was able to spend a week with her as well. I found out through her that my mother thinks I look way better now. How odd to find out information like that through someone you have not spoken too in a long time. That is my family though, sweep things under the rug and don’t say anything. True feelings and thoughts can never be spoken of, but I digress from the point. My ex spending time with her and seeing her made me realize I don’t always pick bad people. I do however have the worst timing in the world and hid who I was for a very long time. I still hide much today we all d,o behind our political correctness and our, “how are you’s.”
Its been an interesting month. A month of tears but not tears of sorrow. Its been a month of reflection on the past. This is why I think we should never forget. Things that are said and done are part of who people are. Its part of the fabric of life and part of what makes us who we are. If we forget we are not learning from the past, we are free not to make the same mistakes. I for one know who I am, and realize who people are that I have had extended time with. I do not hold grudges with those people but will not allow extended time in my heart for those people. There is no apologies, no sorry’s that will make up for nature. I would rather move on for something more whole in my life and looking forward for that. Maybe now that I have addressed the past its time to move on to the future.
I am still in Thailand and will save my thoughts on this place till after I leave. My though for today though was all about names, and meanings of words in this world. I find it ironic how meanings of things are so twisted, when bad means good, and conservative means not caring about lots of issues that affect everyone. I am not going to make this a political post just thought I would post some thoughts on things. Really to start it all I have thoughts on names.
I mean really the most ironic and backwards example I have is names. Think about it have you ever meet a stripper named in such a way that it identifies exactly what she is? Usually people who work the streets or strip are named in such a way to bring innocence. As a matter of fact maybe even innocence would be a great name. Think about it, most are named something like: Bambie, Barbie, Faith, Candy, Mercedes, Porche, Angel, Diamond and the list goes on and on. I even found that Mary is a popular name, I mean think about it Mary? Mary was Jesus mother and the name is used fairly often. I of course could be wrong on this a stereotyping which would make me an evil transsexual, but stick with me. I guess my point is that if you are going to pick a name you have to be careful. You want something that invokes what you want from life. Also how you would want others to think of yourself. To be honest I didn’t do this when choosing a name. I just really kind of stuck with one I wanted and yet I hope it fits me. Also I choose my name because it seemed more rare to me which I felt would give people more a chance to know me. I didn’t want a bunch of stereotypes around my name. Personally that to me would be the safest grounds to be on. Choosing something that neither states oh that’s a stripper name but rare. Still I wonder how did our society end up so backwards. I mean who started this idea of things meaning the opposite? I even looked up Candy and the meaning; honest derived from Candice. Have you ever meet an honest person named Candy? (sorry again if I am picking on you)
I guess all this thought brings me to the conservative party. I am not going to spread my political views because trust me I am way on the fence. To me they are both evil and neither party is right on so many things. In this day and age they only seem to care about corporations and nothing more in my mind. They have both so lost focus with the real world it’s not even funny. I personally think every politician should live on an average american wage for at least a year before holding any position in any office. It’s just that the name conservative really bothers me and here is why. I grew up in Montana, so I had a very conservative upbringing. My parents didn’t and probably still don’t believe in global warming. Now remember this is ultra conservative, they believe in the good old ways. I think Montana has a lot in common with the deep south. This last year they wanted to ban all gays from Montana. Think about it, it’s not gays that have gays, yet they wanted to round them up and remove them. This is ultra conservative, as a matter of fact they don’t believe that any GLBT should have any rights because after all they are sinners. I know there are some conservatives that have opened up on the issue but that is not a traditional view. Now you have to think with just those two issues how is that conservative? I know there are two views on what it means to be conservative, one of which is to preserve the way things always were. The other meaning which I always thought of was the right to preserve everything. Let me explain, if you are conservative about the world you would want to preserve it, meaning leave it as you found it. I find it ironic that it means the opposite even with human rights. The bill of rights states very simply: ”no state shall … deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.” So why do we back pedal these issues so much? If we conserve what always was then everyone should have equal right… I know your saying wait that’s not conservative. Really think about the meaning and the reason we came to America in the first place. We came here for freedom of religion and freedom from oppression and yet we oppress our own. We see this as okay because we think of others that are different as less than but is that right? Is it our right to hand that judgment to others because they seem different? I know it seems we have come a long ways on these issues but lately it seems we are going backwards when it comes to issues with transsexuals. One male to female transsexual was killed recently because they were forced to use a mens rest room as is the law now in that state. There is another law on the table in Texas that is trying to eliminate the rights of transsexuals to marry.
Are we living in a world that is going backwards as well on the rights of so many? I know it’s somewhat uncomfortable for those to see someone starting a transition. Think about it this way even a butterfly goes through a very ugly stage. Give a transsexual some time and you won’t even recognize them. Those of us that are actually transitioning (transsexual) are asking for rights to protect us from harm and to live a somewhat normal life. I personally feel that everyone should have the equal rights and be able to marry. After all its an equal right and think of this if your loved one was on a death bead you would want the right to visit them as well. Yet so many GLBQA people are not even allowed to visit their dying loves. I personally feel that is really the saddest part of this whole issue. So in closing I wish that we could all conserve equal rights as what was passed in the Bill of Rights on 1868. Its time for all to have equal rights. What are we so scared of?
My final thought:
conserve education
conserve healthcare
conserve natural resources
conserve peace
conserve unions
conserve fair wages
conserve retirement
conserve the quality of life for everyone and life will be better for all.
I know lots of you have seen my post on facebook. I ran into an issue this last week at a gay bar. The sad thing is that this bar was one of the first gay bars ever in this country. They started around the 1957 when the term meant anything but gay. Around 76 they got into disco and started reaching to a new audience. That new audience was mostly gay. Now remember this is in a time when the gay movement and stonewall was fresh on everyone’s mind. I am going into this history because I believe that the club was on the forefront of GLBT (gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender) issues. Of course back then it was mostly only gay issues. I believe that stonewall gave trans gendered and gender queer people a way to come out, while we have little in common with the rest of the community.
With all this in mind let me go on to my story. I went to the club on Thursday night. I usually go to a different club on that night which is very friendly to transgendered individuals. This night however I was up for a change. So off we went. Upon arrival we walked around for a bit. Then we went off to the restroom. My friend wanted me to watch in case someone else came in. The doors on restroom are not that great. So while I was waiting this guy comes up and talks to me. He is very aggressive and my skirt is very short. Usually I don’t wear things revealing but its close to Halloween. So this guy puts his hand on my hips and I jump back in the bathroom. At that time my friend is done and I come back out. This security guard comes by and tells me I am in the wrong bathroom and to use the other one next time. I said, “excuse me?’ and he says if I use that restroom again I will be kicked out of the club. Now here is the odd thing the laws here protect us. We have rights to go in the restroom that reflects our gender. We are one of 19 states that allows this protection. Now I am off topic, so let me get back. I go back to the bar and ask to talk to a manager. When a manager comes by the first thing he says is, “are you that man in the womans restroom?” Then he tells me I have to use the other one. I tell him no that’s not the law. Then he yells at me for the next 15 min about how he can have me kicked out and that it’s the law. He never listens to anything I have to say and runs off up the stairs. At that point I was so pissed I just leave.
I am the last to scream discrimination, or even push for gender issues till now. I am starting to understand not only the suppression of gender variant individuals but females as well. I will not support a bigoted club that support the suppression of gender variant individuals from basic rights. What really bothers me is that this club should be on the forefront of GLBT issues. Instead they are discriminating amongst the oppressed who are supposed to be part of the same community. Whats worse is that I believe everyone’s basic rights are under attack. I mean imagine if you are a woman with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome). Do you want to be questioned before going to a restroom and have to show an id? What if you do not have your id with you that day. That means you can be forced into a mens restroom. Here is another thing to consider: 60% of visible transgendered people are victimized by a violent hate crime. Worse yet, 8.5% of male-to-female transsexuals die by murder, vs. 0.0055% of the general population. Think about that. If you are transsexual, you face almost a 1-in-10 chance of being murdered! So if we are in a mens bathroom with a closed-door what do you think can happen? These numbers do not even include sexual assault issues.
My point was raise awareness at first about this club. Then it became a little over the top when things turned to a more personal note. What really I would hope people take away from this is that trans issues are everywhere. Not even a bathroom is safe from discrimination issues. No matter how passable we may be we can still get called out. The other issue is we never know the full story. From what someone stated finally was that some cisgendered woman complained. Do I know for sure if that was the case? Who knows. I really wish a club that was first in the industry would stand up for its trans-gendered community. Its obvious to me know though that we have no allies even in our own community at times. I am backing down a bit by removing the name from this post to keep the peace. I don’t want people to think I am some raging idiot that just goes on about my issues. This was personal to me, very personal. Its like saying hey your trans so you should out yourself every time and only use the mens room after all your just a man. Some of the posts on facebook even pointed that way. To keep the peace though I am done.
I am done. My divorce was completed and is just awaiting the judge’s signature. I am lucky my ex really didn’t battle and we were able to just fill out the forms. So no lawyer fees which is good. As far as what we split I pretty much gave her what ever she wanted. I don’t really have much and its less expensive to just give her what she wants than pay for lawyers. We separated for a while as well before going to court. This was a good thing so I was able to see how much I would be watching our little one. On the papers I put down what I actually watch as the schedule. Its kind of sad to me that she is not involved more with the children but its life.
Its really odd to think I am single again. When you get married at least in my mind it was a life thing. I just kind of expected that we would grow old together. Now I am still kind of in shocked but it opens a new future. It opens up peace and happiness that is not reliant on someone else. Its not that my peace or happiness was dependent on her before. Its just difficult to be happy when the one you love is upset a great deal of the time. Now I can breath a little easier. I have a huge amount of responsibilities my little ones but am thankful for them. They are my world and really all I do on weekends is cook, clean, laundry and well naps with the little one are nice. We are going to the circus tomorrow as well. I can’t wait I got VIP seating in the 2nd row. I just hope the little one will make it through the event and I can find cheep parking. I also hope my little ones get over any separation anxieties they might have as well. I know my little one really misses his mom being here at times. We have grown a lot closer though.
My days of transition are kind of over for the most part. I have some electrolysis to finish up and want to get my voice down better. I still also have surgeries coming but for now I am just living life. I would never wish any of my friends to transition though. Its not an easy road. I have lost my parents, my spouse, have no real external help and two children to take care of. Its not that I would do anything different this is who I am and am thankful for my kids. Its just not an easy road to travel.
My current situation makes me wonder how often people do not really fully understand their own actions. How often do people just fly through life without really a thought, a goal or vision of what the future will bring. Even a glimpse at how another might react or enough empathy for others to realise how an action could be perceived. The funny thing is no matter what I think it could be pointed back to me as well. There are so many things that stand out in my mind at this time. I am starting only now to really think about everything in a different light. I realize that life is not alway black and white as we think. I believe people generally have very positive motives, but actions that betray that very thought. It’s in those moments they define what is in our hearts and cause an equal or greater reaction. It’s also in those times the victim can really become the victimizer…
I read recently a few articles about codependency behavior. I found it very interesting because it’s what I see people do all the time. I believe people in a relationship should be able to rely on one another for things. Codependency is different though. Its defined in wikipedia as, “The tendency to behave in overly passive or excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact one’s relationships and quality of life. It also often involves putting one’s needs at a lower priority than others while being excessively preoccupied with the needs of others.” What a way to put it. Those two lines right there wrap up everything I have been through. When reading the articles of others that have been through these things its interesting how often the roles flip back and forth. I honestly at this point don’t know where I stand on any relationship. I don’t trust people that is for sure, but I am more curious how much I contribute to the issues. I also wonder if I can be attracted to someone healthy, or if they would be attracted to me. It’s so ironic how often people who need help will find someone in the same mental state as them. This is why my advice to anyone going through a rough time, or a break up to stay away from dating. It’s just not the right time if your hurt, you never know what you will attract.
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