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It is often stated that one should forgive and forget. I have come to think of this quite differently. While I agree we should always forgive individuals I have a different mindset about forgetting. Maybe that is just life or the hardening of my heart, but I have the thought we should never forget. People will say they are sorry, people will come up with great reasons for their actions but many of those actions will never change. Just as people do not change in ways we would wish. Its naive almost to think about forgiving and forgetting. Its not smart either and really people should not apologize for behaviors they cannot change. I once heard a person say that they hated how often someone would say they were sorry. His statement was why apologize for a nature or action that you’re not going to change. It’s a pointless gesture in much the same way we ask how someones day is. We are not really interested in hearing the utmost intimate details of ones life. It’s just a gesture to say hey I noticed you there and couldn’t think of anything interesting to say, so how ya doing? At the time I thought the person was rude for saying that they hated hearing sorry so often. Now I really think they had a point. So if its nature and the habit is not going to change then why say sorry? Why not just say this is my nature I could say sorry but I am not going to change. I know it’s not pc but it would cut out a lot of bs in really knowing who someone is. There is a lot to life that really if we take a deep look it’s just a cloud of deception to hide the reality. I almost wish there was no such thing as political correctness no such masks for individuals then we would really know people. I say almost because there is a nice layer of hope that comes from deception.
Lots of people are people wondering what the hell. We have not had an update from you in years and you come back with this? I am done with this blog forever. Yes, sorry its been way too long. I really miss writing my feeling out on some wall. Let me write the back story and maybe you will forgive me, did I mention I was sorry? Okay the honest truth is that I have been writing in my mind for years. I have keeping things bottled up for a lifetime. It all has to come out sometime. Well here is the back story. When I last left I didn’t know if I would ever see my parents again. My ex hated me but talked about maybe coming back at some point and I was here with two kids trying to be a everything to them. Not much has changed well except I did finally see my parents. My oldest son finally meet his mom. Oh and my ex is still talking about someday coming back. So some progress in my life and more on that back story.
It took my parents five years to come to terms with things a bit. Still they miss gender and purposefully call me their son all the time. Its frustrating and yes I have cut conversations short because of that. Most of the time on the phone the entire conversations are steered well away from my gender and transition. When that becomes the conversation it was in the past about how I was going to hell. For parents the fastest way to kill off your transsexual kid would be to tell them they are going to hell. Trust me most kids will take that very seriously and it’s probably the reason for the suicide rate. We can apologize, say we are sorry but this is our nature and not going to change. Trust me on this one if we could change we would. This is not an easy road and time only makes things more difficult for some things and easier for others. Either way the only reason my parents finally let me visit was my father’s health. He is not doing so great. He had a hip replacement and his body is rejecting it in some ways. The hip replacement was a while ago but basically it’s slowly poising his body. We have talked off and on in email and it came down to the reality. I wanted him to see his grandchildren. One of which he had never meet and he is 5 this year. It was very good though to finally see them. I know things have always been rough between us but that week actually was very good. I am thankful that things are at the point where I can at least visit them once again.
I was also able to talk with my ex my oldest sons mom. We had not spoken in seven years. My other ex was hanging up on her and making things almost impossible for her. I had lost touch and she had also moved ten times over the last seven years. The good thing is that I was able to spend a week with her as well. I found out through her that my mother thinks I look way better now. How odd to find out information like that through someone you have not spoken too in a long time. That is my family though, sweep things under the rug and don’t say anything. True feelings and thoughts can never be spoken of, but I digress from the point. My ex spending time with her and seeing her made me realize I don’t always pick bad people. I do however have the worst timing in the world and hid who I was for a very long time. I still hide much today we all d,o behind our political correctness and our, “how are you’s.”
Its been an interesting month. A month of tears but not tears of sorrow. Its been a month of reflection on the past. This is why I think we should never forget. Things that are said and done are part of who people are. Its part of the fabric of life and part of what makes us who we are. If we forget we are not learning from the past, we are free not to make the same mistakes. I for one know who I am, and realize who people are that I have had extended time with. I do not hold grudges with those people but will not allow extended time in my heart for those people. There is no apologies, no sorry’s that will make up for nature. I would rather move on for something more whole in my life and looking forward for that. Maybe now that I have addressed the past its time to move on to the future.
Here is the thing I know my last post was probably quite pointed and sounded pretty harsh. It was a sad dose of reality though my reality as a child. I did have good times as I stated but I learned I had to hide who I was as a young child. I learned that what I was is somehow less than the norm. How can a child grow up and have any self esteem if the first things they learn is how evil they are. How they are damned to live in eternal hell. This is the real kicker though, I don’t blame my parents. I am not mad at the world and am fairly well-adjusted I tend to think. I really don’t have a crazy alternative lifestyle. As a matter of fact I live quite a normal life despite what some might think. I go to church on Sunday and work 9-5 Monday through Friday. I rarely drink and do not like to ever drink and drive. The sad thing is that I am disconnected from family though as they don’t want to accept my reality. They don’t want to think of the possibility that who I am might be okay. They can’t accept it and won’t. They are this way because they grew up in the 50′s and in a small town. This is where there minds just don’t function or think of the possibilities. In their time things were and are black and white there is no shade of gray. You see I understand completely why someone who is transsexual would not come out till there 50′s. It’s a different world back then and there are things you simply do not question. I believe that my parents and the generation before underwent some major mental and physical abuse. Granted it’s not the majority, but even in the Midwest you can tell something is a miss. I mean how else would you get so many passive aggressive people. I believe this is not the norm but something that is a learned behavior. It’s a way of being nice while being mean at the same time. Its a survival technique and I think it has some deep roots in religion which shaped this part of society. It’s also part of the reason I feel comfortable here, in an odd sort of way. Back to my point though, we all do our best. We all do what we think is best based on what we know. Sometimes we need help, we can’t function ourselves for whatever reason but we try. The problem is when that trying is out of hand. For whatever reason we need to get help and get control.
The bigger issue that I see now in today’s society is almost the opposite. I would say a lot of have come out of a society that felt it was okay to spank our kids. It was okay to be semi abusive and now kids have zero discipline. So the pendulum swings back and forth. I hope that someday we all come to terms with everything and the pendulum is perfectly balanced. I doubt though that we will see that in my lifetime but someday maybe we as human beings will get things right. We will understand human behavior and parenting so we can build a better society. At this point though we don’t have a clue. We don’t know how to govern the people, raise anyone or get education and healthcare out to those that need it. The problem is we have this greedy idea in mind that we know what is best, or that we only want whats best for us. Really we need to band together as people and realize none of us have the answer for anything. We all need to rely on one another and stop finding the differences and start finding the commonalities. Once we realize that differences only tear us apart then maybe we can start mending the wounds and heal generations. Till then maybe I am the 99% fighting the other 99%…
There are things I have not talked about that I feel I should. I know I said my last post would be the last but here is the thing. It can’t be, you see this is more of a psychologist than anyone person could be. The things I write and think on here are very personal and yet apply to so many people I feel. Its such a messed up world we live in and yet I didn’t always think that way. At one time I thought the world was very safe yet knew something was wrong something was off in my own house. My reality was not the same as others I am sure… or maybe it was. I often wonder how many other households and other people go through the same things if not even worse. You see there are things I have not talked about in my past that have really shaped my future. Little demons I need to let go of and forgive, forget about. I don’t remember much before five years old and don’t know if that was a survival technique. I often wonder if that is the reason I don’t remember things maybe I don’t want to remember them. I do however know that what I remember of earlier years are not fond memories. Well not all of them, there are few fond memories but very few. Its ironic how we can grow up in an environment where we are taught of other religions and other families being so wrong. Yet all the while we wonder about those families because we know something is not right in our homes. I have often wondered if every fanatical person is not really hiding something else. Maybe their own fears of life? Maybe they were abused as well as children so they learn to control everything as a coping method. Then later on they become the abuser because its a form of control. The cycle continues and continues every generation sometimes getting worse and sometimes someone breaks the cycle.
You see some of my earliest memories are not peaceful, but those of being tossed down stairs wondering if something in my body was going to break. Being beat with a belt till there were blisters on my butt, because after all the good book did say not to spare the rod and spoil the child. There is something wrong though with picture, something very wrong. I learned it was not right to fight back not right to be mad, because after all I deserved the abuse. I did something very wrong after all I was just a greedy child, or out of line, or loud… Then I would hear the parents fighting as well and would bury my head deep into my hands to try to block the sound. I think at a very young age I moved my room to the basement. This was my choice this was my way to get away and stay away. I learned at a young age that out of sight it meant I could be out of mind. It was my survival technique. I hated spiders and the cold non insulated basement, but I would rather deal with them and not have to be part of what was going on. You see my little family was never functional and still to this day it is not. I am sure my parents were quite proud of their little accomplishment that I grew up so well adjusted till I transitioned. Little did they know the fear they put into me of authority. Little do they know me at all to be honest. I don’t know that I really felt like they listened to me. I mean how could they have? Really I was there always as I am now. Yet they didn’t want to see it and pushed it away, just like I moved to a basement. Often I asked for things that they would never give me, dolls, hair, nails. I think I got thrown down the stairs not at my house but a church leader for being in their daughters room playing dress up at six. You see I learned to hide things, stay on the line as much as I could. I tried not to cross it but was on that bitter edge of what my parents would allow. It was our way of not talking about it, of avoidance of controlling the outcome of who I was to be. It was mental manipulation and very effective for years.
I used to fear being disowned, I used to think that would be the worst. As time has gone on I no longer fear that, you see its been 17 years now I have not lived at my home. I grew close to my mother for quite some time but we kept things unsaid. Its part of reason I came out, I was tired of living some lie of who I was supposed to be. I find it all so ironic, you see my mother prayed for a daughter. She never realized she had one all along just needed to listen. Instead I hid, stayed in shadows for fear of what might of happened. I thank God I did, it probably kept me alive or away from some really deep emotional scaring which I still have anyways. Something was not right, and I learned what it was. It was the fear of the unknown, its always the fear of the unknown. My parents and I do love them choose a religion that was different than both their parents. You see they found one that condemned the Catholics, the Mormons, and nearly every other denomination out there. Its kind of sad that this belief I am afraid is almost neo Nazi and has taught some rather pointed hate sermons. The more of think of it and the issues they must have faced the more I realize it is a form of control even in their religion. The problem with control is that its an illusion. No one has control of anything on this earth only what they can do with themselves. Sometimes I know that can be the biggest challenge to control ourselves. This is where I had to break the cycle. This is why I stepped out did something completely crazy. You see I didn’t want to continue the cycle. I got control of myself and did what I needed to do to be at peace. So if that is wrong, then I don’t know what is right anymore. The cycle had to end and it ended with me.
Last time I tore into the republicans and not for the countless things that I could have… I tore into them for simple rights because my point was simple. While I never said exactly what that was I figured some might catch it. The issue is this, they don’t feel like everyone is equal so why treat them as such. I know harsh statement hu? Think about it though if you believed honestly that certain people were wrong, going to hell and didn’t want to change how would you treat them. Its much deeper than that as well but that is the simple starting point. Enough about Republicans though, I would rather shift. I have felt for a long time that it is pointless to vote. I know sad thing to say, but really if you live in a republican state to make a change vote democratic and if you are in a democratic state vote the opposite right? I mean what really are you going to accomplish? The way to make a change is really stand for something thats my feeling. Get a lobbyist group together and really start pulling for rights. Thats how you make a difference. But my feeling goes far beyond that. You see I believe my vote won’t make a difference because its not a two party system. Sorry to say it but its not even a system period. What we have in front of us are a bunch of politicians that say one thing and take money from corporations behind the scene. They are merely pawns and the recent events have shown that so much more obviously to me. I recently watched, “The Inside Job” and it has shed so much light on the truth.
You see I was around for the internet crash in the 90′s and just starting to try to get my career off to a start. I had such a difficult time breaking into the industry and would hear all these great commercials about getting myself into a high paying carrier. The thing is I was out in around 96 or so and no one wanted someone out of college. Funny how they don’t tell you that fresh out of college. No what companies were looking for was someone who had 10+ years of service. I wouldn’t say 20 years because then you have been developing for too long. Yet I heard these great decelerations all over about how companies couldn’t find qualified individuals… but wait I need to back up a bit. You see the 90′s crash for technology was more than just an internet bubble. Some people will say it was a new technology and a natural shift of something new. It was more than that. It was a time of unregulated and everyone was running in and grabbing what they could. Investors knew that these companies were not really doing anything but the investment firms were giving everyone grade A ranks. So lots of money was sunk into companies with no backing. Telecom industries were also largely invested in. So many different things feed into this, the fiber technology and speculation were huge in those days. In the end billions of dollars were dissolved into nothing and some lost everything others made tons. It was all part of a new era for investors. The staging grounds for something much larger.
The something much larger was the deregulation and derivatives. The movie that I mentioned really went highly in-depth about this. It basically meant that people could now bet on things in the market without actually owning any of the underline, stock, commodity, future or so forth. Basically it meant they could guess the price of electricity and guess what it worked. California now had rolling blackouts and people couldn’t afford the price of electricity. Yes there was a huge scandal behind this, but you know its part of why I say the world is backwards. We have decided to deregulate everything so anything can be gambled on. Which brings us to the current housing market issue. I will bring all this back to politics in a few paragraphs but stick with me. You see the deregulation affected the world and we as selfish self-righteous Americans did this to ourself. The lending companies you loaned from before are the same companies that held your loan. The banks were tight on loans because if the loan was defaulted on then the bank would lose. Not anymore, you see now when you get a loan it goes through another company that then packages them up gives them an investor rating and they are bought off. Now if you understand stocks people buy and sell those almost as stock and the underline future value of those. It was stated that the purpose for loosing up the loan qualifications was so anyone could own a home. So what happened everyone got a home and the price kept going up and up as the loans got more and more archaic so the average buyer didn’t understand the terms. A lot of these loans were put on a floating rate with two mortgages one for the down payment at a higher interest rate and the 2nd at a lower rate both floating. This way the person when buying a home could easily afford a 200k home that the payments would be around $800. The issue was the rate went up and they would end up paying maybe 2k for the same home. I am not sure on the actual math but it created an issue. Also everyone was swamped with debt from credit cards to everything everyone financed a brighter future. Banks were also betting way too deep on everyone being able to pay it off. In a sense we all got greedy. When people started defaulting on loans the whole thing went up in smoke. The banks betting on these loans being paid off lost big time. It was a huge bubble that burst and now every bank was in huge financial trouble. They had way over invested on our accounts and payment of these homes. So thus the government was brought into it and everyone knows the rest of the story… kind of. The government meaning the people bailed out the whole system. Many banks went under and now we have even larger and smaller banks than what we had before. The CEO’s got paid millions in bonuses and the world suffered. Yet its still not the end of the story.
The part that bothers me the most is that the poorest of the poor got hurt. I never thought about it but the people in China that were making $70 a month are the ones that got hurt the hardest and millions of Americans that are also now out of work. The issue is that these people who were put in place, like Alan Greenspan are the same people who praised the idea of derivatives. The people who were the CEO’s of bank corporations are now in Washington helping “regulate” the system. What bothers me worse is that every industry in America is this way, from food to medicine. We are a society based on making rich, richer and leaving the rest out. Now the government has two lobbyist for every one congress person for each bank. Do you have that much power and say? What does the FDA have for each congress person? What is going on here? Why is it that we are more concerned with policing nations and not giving our own healthcare, free education and bettering our society. This is my last statement on this issue but what are we doing? So really does it matter if we vote Republican or Democratic? Of course I didn’t dive into everything going on. I really believe politicians do something. I mean why wouldn’t they bring up the whole constitutional ban on gay marriage now? Isn’t that the most important thing going on in our society right now or is it a slight of hand so you don’t see whats really happening?
Resources to read and watch (warning they will upset you):
The inside job (documentary)
The Beautiful Truth (documentary)
8: The Mormon Proposition (documentary)
Killer at Large (documentary)
Maxed out (documentary)
Food Inc (documentary)
The story of stuff
I am still in Thailand and will save my thoughts on this place till after I leave. My though for today though was all about names, and meanings of words in this world. I find it ironic how meanings of things are so twisted, when bad means good, and conservative means not caring about lots of issues that affect everyone. I am not going to make this a political post just thought I would post some thoughts on things. Really to start it all I have thoughts on names.
I mean really the most ironic and backwards example I have is names. Think about it have you ever meet a stripper named in such a way that it identifies exactly what she is? Usually people who work the streets or strip are named in such a way to bring innocence. As a matter of fact maybe even innocence would be a great name. Think about it, most are named something like: Bambie, Barbie, Faith, Candy, Mercedes, Porche, Angel, Diamond and the list goes on and on. I even found that Mary is a popular name, I mean think about it Mary? Mary was Jesus mother and the name is used fairly often. I of course could be wrong on this a stereotyping which would make me an evil transsexual, but stick with me. I guess my point is that if you are going to pick a name you have to be careful. You want something that invokes what you want from life. Also how you would want others to think of yourself. To be honest I didn’t do this when choosing a name. I just really kind of stuck with one I wanted and yet I hope it fits me. Also I choose my name because it seemed more rare to me which I felt would give people more a chance to know me. I didn’t want a bunch of stereotypes around my name. Personally that to me would be the safest grounds to be on. Choosing something that neither states oh that’s a stripper name but rare. Still I wonder how did our society end up so backwards. I mean who started this idea of things meaning the opposite? I even looked up Candy and the meaning; honest derived from Candice. Have you ever meet an honest person named Candy? (sorry again if I am picking on you)
I guess all this thought brings me to the conservative party. I am not going to spread my political views because trust me I am way on the fence. To me they are both evil and neither party is right on so many things. In this day and age they only seem to care about corporations and nothing more in my mind. They have both so lost focus with the real world it’s not even funny. I personally think every politician should live on an average american wage for at least a year before holding any position in any office. It’s just that the name conservative really bothers me and here is why. I grew up in Montana, so I had a very conservative upbringing. My parents didn’t and probably still don’t believe in global warming. Now remember this is ultra conservative, they believe in the good old ways. I think Montana has a lot in common with the deep south. This last year they wanted to ban all gays from Montana. Think about it, it’s not gays that have gays, yet they wanted to round them up and remove them. This is ultra conservative, as a matter of fact they don’t believe that any GLBT should have any rights because after all they are sinners. I know there are some conservatives that have opened up on the issue but that is not a traditional view. Now you have to think with just those two issues how is that conservative? I know there are two views on what it means to be conservative, one of which is to preserve the way things always were. The other meaning which I always thought of was the right to preserve everything. Let me explain, if you are conservative about the world you would want to preserve it, meaning leave it as you found it. I find it ironic that it means the opposite even with human rights. The bill of rights states very simply: ”no state shall … deny to any person within its jurisdiction the equal protection of the laws.” So why do we back pedal these issues so much? If we conserve what always was then everyone should have equal right… I know your saying wait that’s not conservative. Really think about the meaning and the reason we came to America in the first place. We came here for freedom of religion and freedom from oppression and yet we oppress our own. We see this as okay because we think of others that are different as less than but is that right? Is it our right to hand that judgment to others because they seem different? I know it seems we have come a long ways on these issues but lately it seems we are going backwards when it comes to issues with transsexuals. One male to female transsexual was killed recently because they were forced to use a mens rest room as is the law now in that state. There is another law on the table in Texas that is trying to eliminate the rights of transsexuals to marry.
Are we living in a world that is going backwards as well on the rights of so many? I know it’s somewhat uncomfortable for those to see someone starting a transition. Think about it this way even a butterfly goes through a very ugly stage. Give a transsexual some time and you won’t even recognize them. Those of us that are actually transitioning (transsexual) are asking for rights to protect us from harm and to live a somewhat normal life. I personally feel that everyone should have the equal rights and be able to marry. After all its an equal right and think of this if your loved one was on a death bead you would want the right to visit them as well. Yet so many GLBQA people are not even allowed to visit their dying loves. I personally feel that is really the saddest part of this whole issue. So in closing I wish that we could all conserve equal rights as what was passed in the Bill of Rights on 1868. Its time for all to have equal rights. What are we so scared of?
My final thought:
conserve natural resources
conserve fair wages
conserve the quality of life for everyone and life will be better for all.