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I believe that in life we all go through great struggles. We all have many things to over come to become who we truly are. What we go through defines us and shakes us to our very core. It also shows others who we truly are as well. The person we are at our core also will define who are good friends are and who we associate with. Its times of struggle that we need to be careful who we associate with, who we let into our inner being. These people can either bring you down later in life or build you up. I realize now that I have made some rather poor choices in the past. Maybe they where not such poor choices, but not something that I should not have fought for. Sometimes we hold on so tightly to things that we shouldn’t just out of need. While its crazy I realize we should never hold on to someone they should just be there. If you hold on and pull it’s not a fluid motion. Its like swimming up-stream, eventually one way or another you get tired and start going back down stream. While going back down the stream you end up scrapping along the bottoms of rocks hit a few drifting logs and come out tore up from one end to the other. Sometimes we pull out just in time before we drown in the raging pool that surrounds us. Other times I think people get lost in these rivers and never fully recover. I realize now, transgendered or not it would never matter. We never sat in a calm pool of water together. We were always pulling at opposite ends and that is how we lose ourselves.
Relationships really are about finding the core of another person then seeing if you can survive together. No one really win or losses when it’s over. Its more about how you face the day and learning from your past. I hope I can wake up after this and go back to who I am. I fear if I don’t I will lose everything. This is where the core of my being is being tested. Now is the time to stand up and be strong for myself. I realize it would be the worst time in the world to be with someone yet I desire intimacy as well. I even asked my best friend if I could fly her out. I should probably call her again. It’s just time for friends and being happy with my choices.
I have written quite a bit over the last few years on here. Mostly this my inner thoughts, my personal journey of transitioning. I always thought that maybe I could be lucky in transitioning. Maybe I could keep everything the same and just change myself. The truth of the matter is well harder to take. No matter what you always lose something. When you decide to transition they say if you are willing to lose it all, then you are ready to start. That is very easy to say and to tell yourself I could lose it all… it much harder though when it starts to happen. For those of you that don’t know I am married for the time being, have two kids and a great job. I came out at my job and that went well. It continues to go well so I should count my blessing there. I have not heard anything negative what so ever from people at work. I think this is a good thing. Truth be told I don’t know that I could face another loss.
This leads me to what I have lost, but before that I should explain more about transitioning. For me I always thought I related more as a woman. I communicate more as female, and am over all on the feminine side of the gender spectrum. I say the gender spectrum, because we are all a little of each gender it’s just more how you see yourself and how you want to be seen. I have met some very male personalities that are in fact transitioning to female. It’s really a personal decision more than a diagnosis I believe. The real test is how others relate to you. One thing I thought was that I would be more accepted into the world that I viewed myself in. One thing I have seen now is that you have to be darn near stealth to fit into a womans world and be a woman. It’s not that all women wont accept what you are it’s just that so many people fear that which they don’t know. I think people who don’t me as a person, it will take time to really understand what it is all about. Then it will take time to realize who the person is behind everything. Which is really a part of life taking time to get to know people and who they are.
The sad thing is that a lot of people might not give a person like me time based on the fact that they know I am Transgendered… Which leads me to what I have lost. Some of this I know will change in time but I have lost my parents at this point. I knew it would happen at some point in time if they knew what was happening, but really they are no longer a part of my life. It’s a sad and hard loss for me as my mother was very close to me. I would always talk to her so often she was a best friend. Since she found out I have become some crazy person in her eyes that has lost my mind. I find that a very odd thought on her part as I am still the same person I was. I can’t say I am exactly the same person, I just grew softer around the edges now. I have also lost tolerance for those that call themself “Christian” is the sense of good old values. I realize now that they are more a reflection of society and the social injustices that cause great strive for many individuals. When really reading the Bible and understanding what God was he was by far the opposite, opposing those in higher regard and reaching out to the women, those with leprosy and the gentiles. All of which in that day where outcasts by society. So in today’s society I would see God among us and yet based on modern Christian belief I am an outcast from my own family.
I have also lost my beloved best friend from college. She was one in a million to me. We where like soul mates twisting and turning lost in each others souls at one time. Now she has nothing to do with me. I am not certain if or when she will come back around this time. I have lost her before, but never like this. It’s difficult when you can still see that person and call to them with no response other than coldness. The coldness comes not from their own words, but from the lack of emotion and words shared. I wish so badly that she would understand I am still just me and I desperatly need her friendship now.
Last but not least I have lost my own wife. I realize this was coming and knew from the beginning it was at risk. I am lucky in that we still talk to one another. We still share a moment of time left together before we will move on in life. We are trying to hold on but of what we each do not know. It’s just a strand of yarn left dangling waiting to break under the force. At some point I want to grab her and kiss her like I did before then I realize she would never be happy with me. She cannot be lesbian and in truth neither can I. We are trying to be civil and move on, but we each harbor the pain of failure. Its a loss we cannot overcome easily.
In all was it worth it? I cannot say as of yet. I do however enjoy the freedom that comes with being me. It’s like opening pandora’s box you never know what will come out. I have a picture of what I wanted in my head, but somehow that picture has become kind of blurry. At points it looks like a Van Gogh painting, while parts look great something spooky is also in the mix. Will it all end in a chaotic mess or be a masterpiece that years later people will look at it and say what else could it be. Only time will tell.
So this last week I went to a play. I didn’t really know what to expect it was a play that titles itself beyond the gender binary. So being a little sceptical and yet interested I grabbed a friend and went. Well I should back up for a second. I was more than sceptical, this is its second year being out and it was sold out last year. So this time I put the tickets on hold right away. I didn’t want to miss it this year. It was so good, and bad… but over all very good.
I loved the play they really dove into all the thoughts that so many of us face. Some of these skits where so depressing though. I never realized how much self-hatred some of these people have for their gender. I mean I realize it, but this was beyond that. Then again if I think about some of the cases out there of course some people have to be at those extremes. It just seems that most of the hollywood cases are so sensationalized.
It’s interesting, I have never really meet someone who was so sure they where female that they would kill themself if they couldn’t be that. Then again maybe I am wrong. It just seems like most people I have known generally didn’t fit in their own gender. It’s like putting on the wrong shoes it doesn’t fit, not sure why looks a little sloppy, but you can maybe fake it. Everyone around you can see something is off as well. I think that’s more the way most transgendered people I know are. They tried to be male, kind of made it fit but really didn’t belong there. I know very few that are extreme female, but they still didn’t transition till later on in life.
The play of course had these extremes of both male to female and female to male. I think it’s really amazing to meet female to males and they had some in the play as actors as well. I just find them so interesting because they are just the opposite side of what we are doing. I guess over all the play left a gloomy impression on me because of the extremes. They had a very good balance of people who were gender queer, and transgendered though. The play really went into all sorts of issues like bathrooms, the separation of sex from gender, even some non traditional transitioning ideology (like not getting surgery). Even though I had a taste in my mouth of gloom, I wanted to watch it again the next day. It really makes you think and I love things that do exactly that. I really hope someday the world gets past all the gender issues and people can just be people… but then that’s kind of like finding the perfect society just a dream. For some people my dream would be a nightmare, complete and utter chaos.
I have once heard someone state transitioning is like a 2nd puberty. That was really a quick way to state it. The thing is its more like the whole experience all over again. It’s not just the little things, yes your body is changing. You get those mood swings completely forget things because lets face it your whole body chemistry is changing. Not only that you are in a very venerable state. Then there is stress because your not sure you can really fit into the world, and keep a carrier as your new self. Your on the verge of discovering if you really made the right decision. Then you have people to deal with around you that might be uncomfortable as well. Then there are the little office politics that somehow you don’t hear anything either way, yet don’t get invited anywhere. It’s a strange new world and it brings to question everyday if its right, was it the right time to be out?
Its a time when you have to learn to stand up for who you are and be who you are. Its a very challenging time which brings a lot of things to light. It really reminds me of high school in some ways as well. You know things are being said you know people feel a certain way but nothing is being said out loud. I guess that’s part for the course and it could be worse. People could be saying things out loud. I mean really I know some of them are thinking, “omg I work with a guy who likes to dress in girls clothing.” I know people think that way it’s just they don’t say it here and maybe that’s a good thing. In some ways though I wish they would. I wish I could hear what people think at least then things would be in the open. Sometimes I hate the fakeness that is out there. People that pretend to be nice that are really quite the opposite. I know some people who just scream fakeness when they smile. Its in their attitude even though they fake being nice.
It’s sad to say but through all this it would be nice just to have a good friend. I mean I have met who knows how many people. I can’t even begin to count all the people I have met while transitioning. Its kind of insane before this my life was very quite. Now I know more people than I have met in the prior 10 years but not one is a good friend. I have many acquaintances and that’s it. I know friends take a while to meet and become close friends but I have to wonder… did I distance myself. Is that where the issue really lies. Is it me? Am I the one that people shy away from because I am closed off? I would like to think I am an open book, but really I know I closed in so many ways. How could one help but not be closed. After all I was taught for so long not to be a girl, who I really was. So I have to wonder if I wind into issue where I think co workers are snobby and I don’t have friends is it just me?
It really is high school all over again.
Its been a while, probably a little past my normal one month update. Its been a crazy busy month with the holidays upon me as well. So much to do and so many things to prepare for with winter already upon me. I am not ready for winter, that part is for sure. If there is anything I hate its freezing for 6 months maybe 7 months straight. I am one of those girls that leaves the house a toasty 72 degrees and when the world is white I still freeze. I am sure it’s mostly a mental thing, but just knowing how cold it is outside makes me shiver. I went the Day of Remembrance as well this year and was saddened by the hate in the world. I also became a member of church this last month (odd hu). The biggest change, I am out living as a woman everyday. Yeah big changes this month I know.
First things first. I really wanted to write a whole thing up on the Day of Remembrance. It’s a huge thing and I think everyone should take time to reflect on all those people who died just being themself. This last year was just horrendous with over 160 deaths to transgendered individuals. Some of the deaths where so cruel and just more than you could imagine happening in real life. I don’t understand how people can have such hate over nothing. Maybe I am a different person than most, but I think the only thing that counts is whats inside. Even in a case where its a somewhat romantic relationship, I would be more thoughtful about the other person. I think the issue comes when people just want to hook up and don’t really get to know another person. Then there is no connection mentally so the first reaction would be from more of a selfish standpoint. I also never understood hate for those that are different. I grew up in a state that was very tough being bullied all the time. I dealt with so many issues, teasing from so many people just for being different. It’s not like this is anyones choice, this is who we are. It’s like kindergarten or something only with serious consequences for these individuals. I hate to say it but I never understood why we can’t just all get along. Isn’t there enough hate and anger in the world without bringing more into it? I figured this out at a very young age I don’t see why others can’t grow up. My thoughts on those people, you will be remembered. I have a lot of love for those brave enough to be who they are, uniquely themself. Lots of love to you.
I have been going to a Unitarian Church now for a while. An odd thing happened a few weeks back. I was asked to become a member. It was odd and ironic to me because I had been in other churches for years. I was never asked to be anything at some and I was there for 10 years. I had even offered so much of myself to other places but felt like they didn’t want my help. So it was a good feeling. I belong somewhere and they like me enough to have me as a member. I couldn’t turn that down, so I am now a member. It’s a difficult time for that church as well. They are merging with another church and the building they are in is being torn down. So while t’s a good time and great to be a member it’s a sad moment as well for the entire church. It’s also a time of rejoicing since it the church will now grow by double, in a bigger building, and a time of change. I think a time of change as a good thing. I have noticed in life, changes that shake your foundation are times of great personal growth. So its a hope that we will all grow as a church and a congregation.
All this growth and change has lead me to my own changes. I started having people refer to me as madam all the time. It didn’t matter what I wore or where I went. It was just time to be real for me as well. This last month I have been tossing the wig being more real and being everywhere as me. I found that people would see me as a woman without makeup and without even trying. So it came to that point where I just showed up at work. I had spoken with human resources a few months before and last week. This however was unplaned and a shock. I was so nervous I just showed up on Wednesday as me. It was time, and my nerves where so shot. I was able to come out though and am out as me with the whole office knowing that I am transgendered. I am sure I will deal with all kinds of issues, but now its out there. My boss was amazing through the whole ordeal. I think everyone really handled it amazingly well. I was the one that was a mess through it and even broke out in tears at one point. The girls in my area where so sweet about the whole thing. I hope that things stay this good, but I know I will deal with issues. It’s ok though I think its time to be who I am, and stop hiding. I am a woman always have been and there is a great release now that I can authenticity me. When I came home it was a joy to grab all the clothing that I hated and toss them out. I will keep everyone up to date, but this was the day I was dreading and looking forward to since the beginning. It’s almost a surreal moment when you toss of the old miss conception of who you are and start living.