Just breathe

  Its been a while since I posted.  I am sure I left people wondering if I was ok.  The truth is I am doing wonderfully.  Its been a difficult long road but things are all lining up now for the best.  It’s amazing how things come together that take so long in the works.  I know it also seems really bad to go through a divorce, but its something that had to happen.  The way it came about though was not to be expected.  It was quite a shock to have my ex run off and now I found out has dated two different guys.  It really doesn’t matter all the details it’s just so over.  The thing that really made it difficult for me was that we were married.  We made a commitment to each other, which I was willing to uphold through anything.  She didn’t want to work at it though and really that’s where I was struggling.  I am not one for open relationships and hanging threads.  I would rather cut them off and be done.  I still don’t get the idea of her living with me but the kids should grow up together.  Of course who could blame her for wanting to leave after all I am a transsexual and I want to live my life as well not in this lie.  Don’t get me wrong it’s not that I didn’t love her its just different.  It is and was more like a sisterly love and we have a very different set of core values.

  I finally filed the divorce papers with her this last week.  After that it was a huge sigh of relief.  I also signed her car over to her because prior to that it was in my name as she doesn’t have a license.  It’s nice to no longer have that worry hanging over my head.  I was so happy this last week just for this reason.  I really didn’t expect it either, I mean here was something I was fighting so hard for, for such a long time.  For it to just be done was a huge joy for me.  I no longer feel like I have a responsibility to make things right and for that I am very happy.  Like I said its odd ironic and I am done with long-term relationships for now.  I have my kids to worry about and that’s it.  They are my world and all is at it should be.

  My work is also changing which is good as well.  I don’t know why but I have this huge urge to do everything myself.  Its part of my nature to pull everything in and take care of too much.  My work was this way as well.  I was and am still the sole developer of 24 websites.  Well its more like 5 different groups that have 24 regions but it’s too much.  I broke down before the divorce and I realized this is me.  I take in things that need someone to do everything, relationships included.  Then I can’t do everything and try to push back, the problem is it doesn’t happen.  Once you take everything in its kind of expected that you do all of it.  With my work its been almost a year-long struggle for me to do it all.  This is now resolved.  I have a new program manager and a new developer that is starting.  I just want healthy relationships from now in work and at home.  I just want what I can handle.  I don’t want to be a super woman, that will put me in the nut house.  I don’t know why I had that desire and I just want one thing to focus on.  That I can do and I will do it very well.  It’s also ironic the job I have thrived most at are chaos when I start.  Then when they are manageable I leave.  It’s just the way I am, or have been.  Now its my time to change and live a healthy normal life with normal set of requirements.  Wish me luck because this is going to be a huge struggle to learn to let go, and just breathe…

at the end of my rope

I wanted to post on pride, and other things.  It is however something different.  Personally I am drained, mentally, physically, and emotionally.  I think it’s time for me to do something different with my life.  I have been thinking about it and really all my work and everything it’s not worth it.  I have realized the most important thing in life is family.  I miss my family a great deal although I didn’t always get along with them.  I still miss them greatly.  I moved a long ways away from them in hopes of making great money and having a great life.  Instead I have ended up further than I have ever been in debt.  I have worked harder than I ever thought was possible only to end up beyond stressed out.  I deal with things that most normal people would never in their life go through.  It has come to a point where I can’t deal with it anymore, and why should I?  I don’t see a reason anymore for “stuff.”  Believe me I had stuff, a BMW M3 which was my pride and joy.  I have a decent sized house full of stuff.  I would give it all up for great connections, real friends and family.  So it just might happen.  I might say sa la vie to this life and start anew.  I know it will be difficult.  I know I can never see myself as a guy, and that’s what I would be forced to do…  but I am tired of fighting uphill for no reason at all.  I am tired of trying to have something anything in this world then it gets ruined.  I am tired of having no love and more responsibility.  Tired of coming home to something else is destroyed while my ex runs off to her boyfriend.  Most of all I don’t see a reason for it.  Why? Am I really doing anything for society?  I mean really changing pixels on a screen for things I don’t even care about… Is that worth it?  I don’t even read the news and am not really involved in what my work is about.  I just don’t get it, at the end of my rope and no I am not contemplating suicide.  I just want a different life.  I wouldn’t mind being a ski instructor in the winter and doing odd contract jobs in the summer.  I quite like that idea.  I am a genius when it comes to websites despite what my blog looks like.  It’s a life I really could live just one thing about it would never fit and never did, me as a guy…  That’s not really a picture I see.  I mean I was always pretending to be a guy.  When I was a guy I would think, “ok is this how guys walk.  Is this what I should say now…  Ok act macho.”  That was not me, it never was and that’s the part that really has me hung up.  Everyone that knew me knew it was fake when I was younger and now with breasts and a body that looks great in a two piece I am supposed to pretend again to be a boy???  I don’t think that would work at all.  That’s what has me hung up on the whole thing but it’s tempting, very tempting to just quit this life because of all this other junk.  I could work my day job as contract maybe and work the winters as a ski instructor.  I could do my own consulting company… so many options that just look better.  The thing is I really just need a change in my personal life and in my work.  Who knows though we are getting more people here so that might help.  Till next time one seriously stressed puppy.

Kisses ~Sandy