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I believe that in life we all go through great struggles. We all have many things to over come to become who we truly are. What we go through defines us and shakes us to our very core. It also shows others who we truly are as well. The person we are at our core also will define who are good friends are and who we associate with. Its times of struggle that we need to be careful who we associate with, who we let into our inner being. These people can either bring you down later in life or build you up. I realize now that I have made some rather poor choices in the past. Maybe they where not such poor choices, but not something that I should not have fought for. Sometimes we hold on so tightly to things that we shouldn’t just out of need. While its crazy I realize we should never hold on to someone they should just be there. If you hold on and pull it’s not a fluid motion. Its like swimming up-stream, eventually one way or another you get tired and start going back down stream. While going back down the stream you end up scrapping along the bottoms of rocks hit a few drifting logs and come out tore up from one end to the other. Sometimes we pull out just in time before we drown in the raging pool that surrounds us. Other times I think people get lost in these rivers and never fully recover. I realize now, transgendered or not it would never matter. We never sat in a calm pool of water together. We were always pulling at opposite ends and that is how we lose ourselves.
Relationships really are about finding the core of another person then seeing if you can survive together. No one really win or losses when it’s over. Its more about how you face the day and learning from your past. I hope I can wake up after this and go back to who I am. I fear if I don’t I will lose everything. This is where the core of my being is being tested. Now is the time to stand up and be strong for myself. I realize it would be the worst time in the world to be with someone yet I desire intimacy as well. I even asked my best friend if I could fly her out. I should probably call her again. It’s just time for friends and being happy with my choices.