When you lose everything… (years in review)

  I have written quite a bit over the last few years on here.  Mostly this my inner thoughts, my personal journey of transitioning.  I always thought that maybe I could be lucky in transitioning.  Maybe I could keep everything the same and just change myself.  The truth of the matter is well harder to take.  No matter what you always lose something.  When you decide to transition they say if you are willing to lose it all, then you are ready to start.  That is very easy to say and to tell yourself I could lose it all…  it much harder though when it starts to happen.  For those of you that don’t know I am married for the time being, have two kids and a great job.  I came out at my job and that went well.  It continues to go well so I should count my blessing there.  I have not heard anything negative what so ever from people at work.  I think this is a good thing.  Truth be told I don’t know that I could face another loss.

  This leads me to what I have lost, but before that I should explain more about transitioning.  For me I always thought I related more as a woman.  I communicate more as female, and am over all on the feminine side of the gender spectrum.  I say the gender spectrum, because we are all a little of each gender it’s just more how you see yourself and how you want to be seen.  I have met some very male personalities that are in fact transitioning to female.  It’s really a personal decision more than a diagnosis I believe.  The real test is how others relate to you.  One thing I thought was that I would be more accepted into the world that I viewed myself in.  One thing I have seen now is that you have to be darn near stealth to fit into a womans world and be a woman.  It’s not that all women wont accept what you are it’s just that so many people fear that which they don’t know.  I think people who don’t me as a person, it will take time to really understand what it is all about.  Then it will take time to realize who the person is behind everything.  Which is really a part of life taking time to get to know people and who they are. 

  The sad thing is that a lot of people might not give a person like me time based on the fact that they know I am Transgendered…  Which leads me to what I have lost.  Some of this I know will change in time but I have lost my parents at this point.  I knew it would happen at some point in time if they knew what was happening, but really they are no longer a part of my life.  It’s a sad and hard loss for me as my mother was very close to me.  I would always talk to her so often she was a best friend.  Since she found out I have become some crazy person in her eyes that has lost my mind.  I find that a very odd thought on her part as I am still the same person I was.  I can’t say I am exactly the same person, I just grew softer around the edges now.  I have also lost tolerance for those that call themself “Christian” is the sense of good old values.  I realize now that they are more a reflection of society and the social injustices that cause great strive for many individuals.  When really reading the Bible and understanding what God was he was by far the opposite, opposing those in higher regard and reaching out  to the women, those with leprosy and the gentiles.  All of which in that day where outcasts by society.  So in today’s society I would see God among us and yet based on modern Christian belief I am an outcast from my own family.

  I have also lost my beloved best friend from college.  She was one in a million to me.  We where like soul mates twisting and turning lost in each others souls at one time.  Now she has nothing to do with me.  I am not certain if or when she will come back around this time.  I have lost her before, but never like this.  It’s difficult when you can still see that person and call to them with no response other than coldness.  The coldness comes not from their own words, but from the lack of emotion and words shared.  I wish so badly that she would understand I am still just me and I desperatly need her friendship now.

  Last but not least I have lost my own wife.  I realize this was coming and knew from the beginning it was at risk.  I am lucky in that we still talk to one another.  We still share a moment of time left together before we will move on in life.  We are trying to hold on but of what we each do not know.  It’s just a strand of yarn left dangling waiting to break under the force.  At some point I want to grab her and kiss her like I did before then I realize she would never be happy with me.  She cannot be lesbian and in truth neither can I.  We are trying to be civil and move on, but we each harbor the pain of failure.  Its a loss we cannot overcome easily. 

  In all was it worth it?  I cannot say as of yet.  I do however enjoy the freedom that comes with being me.  It’s like opening pandora’s box you never know what will come out.  I have a picture of what I wanted in my head, but somehow that picture has become kind of blurry.  At points it looks like a Van Gogh painting, while parts look great something spooky is also in the mix.  Will it all end in a chaotic mess or be a masterpiece that years later people will look at it and say what else could it be.  Only time will tell.