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I have a confession to make. While it might seem odd I have always dressed in dark colors, and bad clothing on purpose. Some people when they try to hide being gender variant will do masculine sports, weight lift do all sorts of things to appear male. For me this was also dressing in the darkest or wost clothing for my skin tones. I did it quite on purpose as another way to hide who I am.
Since I came out to human resources well one person I made a pact to start working toward female by being gender neutral. I went work today a little further than gender neutral and no one as much as rolled an eye. I showed up with a very light shirt with complimentary colors, a tan cami underneath, and some female dress pants. I did not even look male today and yet no one even thought anything or said anything. Its odd to me I look in the mirror and I don’t even look the same to me. I am so much softer than I did before its amazing what hormones do, well that and vitamins. My wrinkles on my forehead have almost dissapeared, and my shape no longer even resembles male. Its amazing wonderful, and yet there are parts of this that scare me. My wife has become very difficult to talk with at all. Its obvious she is not ok with this and I wonder how much longer our relationship will last. Its been tough on us in an already suffereing relationship. I don’t think we will make it through this whole thing and yet that its not the worst thing that could happen I am sure. After watching the special on ABC Chloe I am starting to think it might be tougher to make it through the transition and still be married with someone that didn’t want a transgendered husband. Watching that special makes one almost want to reconsider transitioning… almost but its not like we have a choice. This is who we are as a person and how we relate to the world.
I know its been a long time since I have posted probably a little too long. I have just been living life and to be honest been having some fun at it. There are some not so fun times as well but mostly enjoying things outside of home life. I have watched quite a bit of stories about other transgendered individuals and I always finding it interesting how they come out. I think this is most in part because this is what I fear the most. Here my whole life I have dealt with people thinking I was gay. Now I am going to do something even more scary. Its something that has always concerned me how would I live if I couldn’t really fully get where I want. In some ways that would be worse than someone thinking I was gay, or would it be. A huge part of transitioning is coming to terms with who you are and how you want people to see you. You hope for the best, take your hormones, hold off in kind of a gender no man land for as long as possible then transform. Well that’s the hope anyways.
I have something kind of major that has happened. A few people at my work are leaving. While most of them would have no dealings with one important person is leaving. The human resource person is leaving. By that I mean she is leaving before the end of the year. She is moving across the state which means that I hit a time line. I had to tell her before she left. It was one of those moments where I debated and debated it all morning. I thought I was crazy and yet crazy not too. I have so many friends that have transitioned and lost there jobs. I know its against the law to fire a transgendered individual, but lets face it its easy to let someone go for any reason what so ever. In the end I did it I walked into the office and told her. I think she thought I was going to quit, I know it seemed kind of odd to her why I wanted to close the door. Then after that I just kind of blurted it out. The look on her face was a little shocked. We started talking about things then she asked the oddest question of all. She asked me which way I am transitioning… I understand that at some point I was going to become gender neutral but this was new to me. Here this person had no idea or she says was now asking what gender I am. This really struck me, and was quite a compliment all in one. So I explained that was transitioning into female and showed her what I look like. After everything she said there are laws to protect me and that I could start dressing when ever. Its kind of nice to have the go ahead all the sudd,en but I have more left to do before that moment.
I know she stated I could dressing but I can’t I have more to do. I have to get into the gender neutral mode of dressing, and talking. I want to get people everywhere to the point where they think I am female before I walk in that door with a name change and makeup. Thats really my goal and has been for a while. I want to get so far into that gender neutral spot that people start wonder why I don’t wear makeup. So my first step is to stop wearing the compression shirts. I also am going to stop lowering my voice all the time. Its kind of scary because now people will really think I am gay, or not know what gender I am. For me this is the moment where all those walls have to come down. If I am going to transition this is the step for me to learn to be myself. To show my emotions, likes, dislikes and really just stop putting up a wall around me. This is not an easy step by any means because I will feel very vonerable. All my life I have learned to hide who I am my emotions and self regulate things. Its like you learn to censor yoursef and ask is that too gay to say. Then if it is you try to rephase things so people won’t think your feminine. After time you build this kind of fake image of yourself. Transitioning is really about removing all the wall and learning to be real around others while changing your outword image as well.