Michael Jackson, we will miss you…

I have been in tears for a few days already over the whole thing…  Its hard to express everything I am thinking and its not really that I was a huge fan either.  I started listening to his music again over the past few months.  Its like something was telling me to listen and I started really appreciating him again.  I think during the time when he was so popular I liked a few songs,  but to be honest I think we made fun of him more than listening to him.  It was something where he was so miss understood.  I know my father even commented about how feminine his nose was and I didn’t think anything of it.  I rather liked it.  Its like the world stopped when he came out with some of his songs.  I still remember the first time I heard, “We are the world, Thriller, and Bad.”  Some of my favorite spoofs from Weird Al are his songs and Madonna and yet I love them both.  He was so miss understood though.  His skin color his oddities around covering his children.  The fact that he never really married, and the issues with the way he looks now.  He had some PR issues around some of the things he purchased.  He was taken to court a few times which we all know about and even his sister didn’t stand on his side at first.  He had physical and mental issues that really extend beyond what a normal person has to deal with.

He was abused as a child and instead of screaming out like Atlantis Morissette (who I also love) he came out with songs like, “Man in the Mirror, Heal the World, Black or White, We are the World, Earth Song…”  He donated his time and money to a number of charities a list of some 39 or more.  The list could go on and on yet this is not what the world showed him.  This is the reason I cry about the whole thing.  Its not right how the world acts on whole.  He was dare I say, a Martin Luther King and a King of Pop.  He gave us a new way to dance and gave us beautiful words.  He was and is an icon that will live on.  We just didn’t see it all the time because he was maybe a little too feminine for our taste.  He was a little odd to us because at one time he was black and then white.  He was wrong to us because he was different.  So what happened, he ended up dying alone.  He died in his rented house with his doctor in pain.  I am grateful that he was so big that no one will forget him.  He is getting heard by everywhere now.  I know he had the most record sales of all time before but now… 

Well the world stopped again when you passed on.  We are all listening now and what we see is a thing of beauty.  Your words we could all live by, and now we understand.  I hope everyone takes the time to think and really listen to what you where saying Michael Jackson.  We will not forget you, you are not alone we all love you.

A year of being out

April marks a year of being out and about as me.  I don’t mean out as in full time, but I started going everywhere very early on.  There are quite a few girls that go to clubs and stick to that for a while.  They figure out what works and what doesn’t, and then there are those that go full time the next day.  I would like to think I did a bit of both and have yet to really take the next step.  In all honesty a year doesn’t feel that long at all, and in ways its not that long.  I can tell though that full time is just around the bend whether I want it to be or not.  My hair has all filled in nicely by now and is getting longer, but I still want to do another transplant just to get it thick up front.  There are times I catch myself in the mirror though and think wow, you don’t look male at all.  Then there are those days where you put everything on do all the makeup and look in the mirror and think yuck…  nothing is working.  I have to think those are just bad days and we all go through that.

I wonder at times how reasonable it is for someone my height to be out all the time and try to pass off being full time.  Being in Los Vegas was kind of a wake up call as well.  All this time I thought I passed ok, but really its kind of shaken my confidence.  Its odd those events are supposed to make you feel better, but in all honesty I feel worse now.  I think people I have meet where just nice to some degree.  There are times you know you pass well, like when your at a drag event and people are asking if your a “real” girl (love that term what is “real”).  Although if I passed all that well they wouldn’t ask.  Which is kind of why I have been trying to get rid of my pride and joy.  I am selling my car and getting my debt squared away so I can do some FFS (facial feminization surgery).  I have always wanted a cuter nose and will do something with my chin.  I have yet to decide how much to do with my chin.  I think up front I will just have it tapered and see how far that gets me.  I don’t want to do something drastic with wires and all that, because I don’t like how overdone that can get.  I also don’t know if the surgeon will get it right and a tapper compared to breaking it and wiring it all back together.  I can’t imagine the recovery alone from that kind of a procedure.  I also don’t like how facial skin can look after that.

I am also working on loosing some more weight.  Its something that I gave a rest because there was a year that I lost 50 lbs.  After that I started hrt and gained back 10 lbs which is to be expected.  Its something that happens to all of us, but I would like to drop another 10 again so I started biking again.  Its about seven miles one way which is not a big deal, but not always fun to do.  Then today on the way I got a flat tire on the way home.  I didn’t pack anything to take care of it at all.  I have always worried this would happen but after biking 1k or so you just don’t think it will happen, then it does.  I had a friend pick me up about 2.5 miles away from home (thanks Michelle you so sweet) and won’t do that again without a spare tube and some sort of pump.  This would be the one time it happens, and it was the worst area as well.  I think that the worst area here is directly east, west of where I live.  It was very scary to walk through that area with my bike.  I kept thinking ok one of these people are going to pull my bike from me, but nothing happened.  Which maybe goes to show you shouldn’t judge by the cover, but you never know.  I am just glad nothing happened and I got more exercise than I was planning on.  I guess that’s an ok thing, now maybe I will fit back into that dress for tomorrows event.

All this brings me back to one thing…  Its been a year but its life.  It passes so quickly that your dreams and desires can fade away before you get a chance to do anything.  I am very glad I started this process and will keep making my own goals for transitioning and other things.  Its a road I am happy to go down at times and other times I wish it wasn’t my curse.  Either way I want to make the most of it and life.  I have also realized its a ballance act, I want to transition lilke yesterday, but I have to focus on life as well.  Being transgendered is not going away and its ok to take your time.  Its odd I can tell people react differently to me and in a positive way.  I am not saying its a great reason to transition, but when I did something maybe not so great before people would just assume you are an ass…  Now they are like oh its ok I am sure you didn’t mean to, which is the truth.  I really like that difference though in others to how they respond to me.  Its not the only positive thing, but its one thing that I appreciate.  I am looking forward to what another year will bring.