I have been known to be a little hard headed.  Personally I think its more than that, I am a little slow on getting things.  I went to Diva Los Vegas and almost had a complete mental breakdown.  I can tell you this much right now Diva Los Vegas is not for Transsexuals.  If you ever wondered if your a cross dresser or a transsexual this could be a good experience for you to find out.  I have really reached the end of what it means to be either or, so in that sense the trip was very worth while.  I am not going to say either path is good or bad, so please people don’t take offence.  I have just come to realize so much more than what I thought.

I have friends that are cross dressers, and I don’t use the term lightly “friends.”  Its kind of hard to write some of this because I don’t want them to take any offence.  The truth of what I saw there though was so different from a standpoint of a transsexual.  For one we want to blend into society, and I don’t just mean look passable.  We want to sound passable and we work on our voice, but we have the mannerisms already…  Sorry those mannerisms where there already, and why people always thought I was gay.  I didn’t “study girls” and figure out how they are the way they are I am that.  If this was a study in that regard I wouldn’t transition, I would cross dress.  Again nothing wrong, its just natural for me.  In a sense for a cross dresser they don’t change when they dress, and neither do I.  So when people compliment your mannerism just know if you didn’t study them then its inherent.

Back to Diva Los Vegas…  These people don’t want to blend ever.  When going out they feed on the attention, negative and positive.  To me it freaks me out to have people gathered around taking pictures, screaming dude next to the group.  Its just not the attention we want.  There are so many things that happened I really wish I didn’t go, but needed to learn the lesson.  In a sense its sad to see and you wonder what happened in these peoples life’s why they would crave the negative attention.  Its not that they can’t be more passable its really that they didn’t care to try.  Most of the people that I know are always very positive about how passable I am…  Well guess what that took work.  I don’t just mean a little either and to me that’s the difference.  I worked for three years before starting hrt to lose the weight and study different things (again not mannerisms).   I really wanted to know was this something I should try.  Is this really possible what kind of people can be successful at it.  Was this something wrong with me mentally where I needed any kind of attention.  This is a life changing decision, not something where I threw on a dress and walked out the door.  I knew when I took that first hormone that there was no turning back and you know I never will.  I love what has happened to my face, my complexion, my attitude, everything about HRT has been worth it except for one.  I live with one huge regret, I wish to God I didn’t have a family to put through this.  I literally cry about that all the time, but I know this is what I am.  This is a curse that I am so sorry to bring everyone else through.  That is a difference though I understand what I am, who I am, and working on making myself the most passable person I can be.  This way I can fit back into society and live a normal life once again.   This is not something I see cross dressers even strive for and one of the reasons transsexuals separate themselves so much from them.  We are two different people, its nothing either side should be offended about, but its life.

If anything though the trip was worth it in the sense that I know the line very clearly now.  I understand what it means to be a cross dresser, or transsexual.  I think some of these people start as cross dressers and at some point they realize they don’t like the negative attention then change.  I would think out of those that change some decide they no longer want to cross dress and others just take the next step and transition.  Really my heart goes out to all those that cross dress from emotional issues.  I heard a story from one of them that really made me understand why she was this way.  I wish I could help her and it was a very sad story.  It explained to me the cross dressing and all the other activities going on.  Also the trip makes me want to pull my pictures from flickr and drop all my other accounts.  I am not here for attention, for me this is clarity.  This is my therapist, even though I have one this clarifies things for me more than she does.  So thank you wordpress…  I owe you.

Kisses

~Sandy