Doubts and Hope

Doubts

I now everyone goes through phases where they ask themselves can I really do this. I just wish that phase was over. Every major achievement in my life has been a wall to climb. This is probably not an achievement to some, but to me it’s the biggest challenge of my life. Its not that’s its hard to transition anyone could do it. It’s a challenge to do it and get to that flawless end. I know some might find that a shallow goal, but that’s what I want. I want to get to the end and have people wonder how I was ever a guy. I want to make it to a point where my voice is so good and my look is such that there is no doubt that this is what I am.

Maybe I want over compensate because I know there are some people very close to me that will never accept this. Maybe its my way of saying, “ha told you so” but I feel like I never will get there. I know quite a few that have seen me out and on here probably don’t see what I mean. The truth of it is that I still see myself in the mirror as a guy. I see myself that way and that’s the hardest thing to over come. Its even harder when I have to grow out my facial hair all week long. I am not a small person either. I am very envious of those that just get to a point where people can’t guess there gender. What I wouldn’t give to be at that point I even told a friend I would give my left and right nut. The truth of the matter is that no one would ever guess my gender at this point. I would guess that it will take quite some time for my hair to grow out to any length that would make people wonder at all. Don’t get me wrong my hair transplant was a huge success it just takes time to grow. The doctor stated that usually it takes 6 months before you can even see the hair growing. My hair is to a point where most of the transplanted hairs are at least one inch by now. Its kind of odd though as its so sparse and there are quite a few that are 1cm or smaller just starting to grow. The good news is that its going good and the doctor expects great results. I still wonder if it will low enough and dense enough but only time will tell.  Don’t get me wrong though I would never doubts about transitioning, just how others will take it and make it all possible.  I have been lucky so far though and other than the parents everyone has been taking it really well almost too well.

Hope

I recently have been out a lot though. The wife has really changed her whole view of this. She is actually become a big supporter in some ways. My wife thinks I am very good looking as either gender at this point. I think its a great compliment, but I don’t to be either gender I just want to be one. I am also going to start working with a performer and learn how to perform. I wouldn’t call it drag because to me its female impersonation only I won’t be impersonating because I am female. What a cluster of a sentence that was.

I want to perform for two reasons and while they might seem odd to some this is why; I want to learn to dance really well and I want to learn how to create that perfect illusion. I also like the attention, but that’s not my goal. If I have to get up on stage and dance my booty off you can bet I will learn how to dance very well. I am lucky in that the person who will be teaching me has performed for a great many years here. She is also an amazing seamstress so she makes her own outfits. She has the inside track to all of local places as well. So its luck in a way that I know her. I wouldn’t know her if it was not for another person that I meet who happened to get along with me. I always wanted to model or perform and now is my chance to start down this road. It will be so hard and yet so fun to me.

Who knows what doors will open from that point on? In a sense it’s amazing that this is all happening and a huge dream come true. I will start training in October if all goes well. So maybe by my next post I will have tons more news.