It’s not about passing.

Well I did it. I stepped out the front door this last weekend. It was an experience I’ll never forget. The odd thing is that when I went to get ready everything fell into place. It’s hard to explain almost like I had run through it enough in my mind that I was prepared. I knew what I was going to wear, I knew how I was going to put my makeup together and didn’t even second guess anything. I goofed up a little on one thing I used the wrong shimmer and still don’t know what it was I used. My makeup other than that was perfect not even one flaw with the eyeliner. I went back and cleaned up the stuff I didn’t like with a queue tip (those are so handy). I started shaking after I walked out the door, but kept my head up high. I was so nervous the whole way there. I got into the car and wondered if I could even drive with these 4’ heals on. I was able to drive after moving the seat way back from the normal position and only stalled the car once. If you think driving a stick shift is easy try it with heals. I drove through a tunnel on the way there and kept thinking everyone can see me. It’s a little a nerving to all the sudden realize everyone can see you as plain as day. I also hit a traffic light and there were some teenagers in a car right next to me. Again I was in my car and plain as day there, but they didn’t say anything. I didn’t really give them enough of a look to get there attention either. After that I have to say I felt a little better. I felt like here I am a girl out on the town by herself. There was that strange sexy feeling inside me as well it felt great. I just loved the feeling of being in my car and having my long hair curled all around me. Then I arrived.

I couldn’t find the club at first so I drove around a bit and then realized where it was. I was told to park a ways away which made me a little nervous as well. I got out of the car and took a deep breath. After I got out of the car I grabbed my purse and started walking. I ended up at a traffic light and of course there I was out of the car standing 6’ at least, me and my red hair. I walked across the street and it starting changing so I had to speed up. It was so sexy walking fast in heals and bumping along across the street, no one even second glanced at me or said anything. I am sure they were watching, but nothing negative came out of it. Then I reached the front door. It was a gay and lesbian club, some of the girls by the front door where defiantly looking at me. I walked in and there where some of the local tg’s that I meet online. I was not about to do this whole thing alone, so I hooked up with an online group a while ago with this in mind. Now I was finally meeting them. At first I have to admit when I saw them I felt a little queasy inside. These people don’t pass would probably never pass, but you know its okay. I realized something that night, it’s not about passing it’s about being who you want to be.

I could never do what these people do. I realized these tg girls have more courage than I could ever have. I don’t know what I would do if I looked like them. I would stay inside for sure and never venture out. I have more respect for them now than I ever had seeing them online. They have done it, they go out they don’t pass and they have a ball anyways. These girls are not about hormones, or getting ffs and blending in. No there is something more to them than meets the eyes. They don’t conform to gender rolls or societies views of what a woman should be and they don’t care. The leader of the group is even a little manly I think. She was talking about how she would kick someone’s butt for getting in her way (LOL). To them it’s about being what they want to be and wear what they want when they want. I guess they shop this way, eat this way and go to clubs dancing this way. I really respect that and thank God for them, it might make life a lot easer for the rest of us girls when we can blend to a degree.

As for the rest of the night well I stayed pretty close the table. I am kind of ashamed of myself for that. I shouldn’t blend in so much and no way hell did I blend with my long red hair. I got some really good compliments from a lesbian at the bar and later on ventured out to talk to another tg that was seated by herself. She was very interesting and quite a few years older than me, like 20 or so. She was on hrt for a year and really her eyes sparkled in a sort of sexy way. Before leaving I ventured out again and talked with another lesbian. She was so cute in her manly ways and I honestly couldn’t tell if she was a him, or her when I first saw her. It was different because she was pretty, skinny and yet manly and the same time. She was very nice and as soon as I walked over there her partner showed up and they both gave me hugs right away. They played with my hair and pushed it out of my face and told me how pretty I was. I was just glowing from the whole experience I am sure. Then I waited for another tg and we left together. As soon as I walked out the door this guy started talking to me right away. It was ok at first but he was just right there. He kept asking me so many questions, how tall I was, if I had a boyfriend, if he could walk me to my car… he couldn’t stop talking about how sexy I was and followed me across the light. You could smell the alcohol on his breath and he had a tooth missing. After he asked me again where my car was I kind of looked down the street and crossed quickly at the next light. He was lost in what to do, the light was red and I was across the street. He then proceeded to cross the red light anyway. I hopped in my car and speed away before he could get close. I was so glad I didn’t stall the car again. I actually did a nice drift out of the parking lot which I am sure left the guy speechless. I had a very uneventful drive back from the club after that and really was still shook up about the guy. I didn’t think about being the tunnel after that or lights or anything else. I was glad later to find out two of the girls where watching and one was following but just not right there. After everything, I am going back though next weekend. I would recommend anyone thinking of transitioning or just cd’ing to get out. It’s a blast and really if no one sees you what fun is that? Just make sure to be safe and always travel in at least two’s. I would hate to see more girls getting hurt this year.

Regression

I recently had an online friend regress back to well him.  It kind of struck me as odd because he was out there doing everything.  He had finished electrolysis and got his voice down even put a picture up on the hot or not and was ranked 8.5.   He even had a boy friend for a while.  I really didn’t understand that part as he also had a family.  It struck me as odd because I found out later he had been going back and forth for eight years.  His family at this point was at utter loss and his wife didn’t want to be around anymore.  There are so many things about the whole story that strike me as sad.  The big thing that really always struck me as kind of wrong was that he referred to himself/herself that way in third person.  He would say things like when I am “Cindy” I do this.  It strikes me as odd because I don’t think of myself in third person or different modes.  I get dressed and I might choose to present myself differently but I am still me.  If you see me presenting as a man you might think I am a rather feminine man or if I was presenting as a woman you might think wow thats a tall woman.  I don’t see it as two different people its all me.  I really see this line of thinking as almost bi polar or some other issue and not GID.  I could be wrong here but personally I just love womens clothing how it fits the fabric and sometimes I will wear jeans or whatever when not presenting as female.  I don’t see them as split personalities or whole different modes.  I guess thats why to some degree I have never really worked on my voice.  Its difficult for me to think ok now I am going to completely present myself as woman.  I know I need to work on it because it would freak others out to see a woman talking with a deep voice but this is me.  I think if you really feel its a different mode or something more is going on then maybe its not right to be on hormones.  Its hard on you and everyone in your family.  Sorry but I would never date anyone else even though I am married and might dress its just wrong.

I have been so busy and feel kind of bad because I have not wrote anything for so long.  I put some lyrics up on the blog the other day because its how I feel.  I have been transsexual for so many years and yet was never able to talk about it to anyone.  I knew what I wanted such a long time ago and now its happening.  Sometimes I wake up and just lay there smiling to myself because I know now I am becoming what I always wanted.  I get a little scared at times because I don’t know how it will all work out but I know I am doing what I always wanted.  Its been such a journey already and I don’t even know how will all turn out.  The key for me has been to take it day by day and don’t let things discourage me.  I am going out for the first time tonight as well.  Its going to be a wonderful new experience for me for sure.  Of course I am not going anywhere special and going to meet up with some other ts people but it should be fun.  I know thats not really going out, but I am not ready to present in any other kind of place.  I also don’t see going full time for a while maybe even a few years  Its one of those things to me if its the right time everything will just fall into place.  Me rushing to put time lines on things is just going to put more pressure on me than what is needed.

On another note my wife is on vacation this month.  I have been so busy doing everything around the house and work has been such a drag.  Thats part of the reason I have not been blogging and my cold.  For some odd reason when things happen to me they seem to happen in threes.   I really miss the wife but its given me time to think and dress a lot more.  I have wore so many different clothes these few weeks and have figured out the perfect outfit for tonight.  I will have to write latter and let everyone know how it went.  I was also able to clear the hair off my chest and wow.  Its very odd, I look like such a girl.  It struck me as another step that I had to pass and while hair doesn’t seem that big it is.  It really confirmed in my mind what my body has been doing.  It was another step that made me realize I am a woman after all under all that yucky hair.

Till next time ~Sandy

Its been a while.

Sorry its been quite a few days that I have not blogged. I have a lot on my mind right now, but really wanted to share some lyrics with everyone on here.  These words are so true to me that all I can say is thanks Tori Amos,  I could never have said it better myself.  This is a song that has stuck with me for so long off her first album, Little Earthquakes.

“Silent All These Years”

Excuse me but can I be you for a while
My dog won’t bite if you sit real still
I got the anti-Christ in the kitchen yellin’ at me again
Yeah I can hear that
Been saved again by the garbage truck
I got something to say you know
But nothing comes
Yes I know what you think of me
You never shut-up
Yeah I can hear that

But what if I’m a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don’t care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it’s been here
Silent All These Years

So you found a girl
Who thinks really deep thougts
What’s so amazing about really deep thoughts
Boy you best praya that I bleed real soon
How’s that thought for you
My scream got lost in a paper cup
You think there’s a heaven
Where some screams have gone
I got 25 bucks and a cracker
Do you think it’s enough
To get us there

Cause what if I’m a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don’t care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice
And it’s been here
Silent All These…

Years go by
Will I still be waiting
For somebody else to understand
Years go by
If I’m stripped of my beauty
And the orange clouds
Raining in head
Years go by
Will I choke on my tears
Till finally there is nothing left
One more casualty
You know we’re too easy Easy Easy

Well I love the way we communicate
Your eyes focus on my funny lip shape
Let’s hear what you think of me now
But baby don’t look up
The sky is falling
Your mother shows up in a nasty dress
It’s your turn now to stand where I stand
Everybody lookin’ at you here
Take hold of my hand
Yeah I can hear them

But what if I’m a mermaid
In these jeans of his
With her name still on it
Hey but I don’t care
Cause sometimes
I said sometimes
I hear my voice [x3]

And it’s been here
Silent All These Years
I’ve been here
Silent All These Years

Comming Out

I am a part of a few different online forums and it always shocks me when people decide to come out. They wait till there 50 or so, and then tell everyone that they want to be a woman. They run off tell there wife, there parents (if they are around), there friends everyone they can think of. Its almost like a depressed person screaming that they are going to kill themselves. I almost wonder if its not the same kind of depression or if they really have held this up inside of them for that long. Then they run out the next day in a dress or skirt and wonder why they lose everything. To me waiting till I am 50 then telling everyone right away would be unbearable. I had to say something at my age, and had to start down the road. I couldn’t imagine being a man for that long of my life. There is no way that I could stay silent for all those years. Yet it still strikes me as odd these people that run out and tell everyone right away. I am sure there are quite a few successful transitions doing things thats way, yet I can’t see that a person wouldn’t alienate them self from everyone right away. I guess thats why I wanted to kind of post a message more of a thought on how one might go about letting others know… I really want to post more of a suggestion if you will of a way to try to maintain your dignity and possibly friends, marriage.

For me a part always knew that someday I wanted to be a woman. I always looked at women and thought if I was you I wouldn’t let myself go like that. I would think about how life would be and what I would do. Well i didn’t last long before I realized I just want to be a woman even though I have a family and some rather large obstacles to overcome. I didn’t want to lose the family or the carrier that I have worked so hard to get but the question coming up in my mind. How is it possible to transition and still keep the family and job? I have even wrote another post about it because it is very hard for anyone to accept that there partner is on the road to being a woman when they started out as a shell of a man. Its just not the imagine of a sugnificant other anyone can imagine or think of. So here is my thoughts on how maybe you can keep your relationships and still transition:

1. Don’t run out tell everyone the day you realize it. Think about what you are doing seriously consider all your options. Let it stew for a while in your mind, check everything out about it. I am only saying this because after realizing what a transsexual must go through you might change your mind. Are you willing to lose everything, and everyone you know because of this?

2. Look at your options seriously, can you live with just being a cross dresser? Is this something you could do and be in-between and you would be fine with. I know most transsexuals hate the words CD, and in-between, but really wouldn’t life be easier if you never had to come out?

3. If you can’t be a cd or in-between again research find out if you can even take the medication. Also be honest with your spouse or significant other. I don’t have any tips on this other than just be honest. Let them know you still love them if you do and what your goals are. For me this was the hardest step of all and I still struggle with the wife but she knows its been for the best. Be honest enough with the significant other to explain if its a fetish, or you want to transition. Let them know and ask them what they would be comfortable with.

I know it sounds hard but really being honest with your sugnificant other can save everything. Let them decide when its time for things, when you can shave, when you can do electrolysis so forth. Also create time tables for when you want to have things done by. You both need to agree on things and this will make them more at ease with what you are doing. I know it sounds like the hardest thing in the world to do but this can keep your relationship strong even through all the transitioning.

4. Coming out. I have yet to do this step. Why would I ever tell my work, and everyone I know when I don’t look right? Some might say this is wrong, but I am not going to force anyone to call me mam. Do I look like mam when I am at work, do I even sound like one? I just don’t see that opening a can of worms like this is healthy for anyone and I think its how people lose everything. Yes maybe this is wrong to wait for some people but until my face, hair and everything else looks like a mam I won’t come out. I know at some point I will be in that odd in-between stage. Maybe I won’t even come out then, but go to a new job after ffs. Its just choices like that which make the whole step kind of odd. I know people that are on hormones for three years, and still have not come out. I can’t see doing that but who knows. I find that at work people are very set in seeing you one way only and even changing a name is a major task. Its one of those things where I don’t mind one person calling me mam, and the next calling me sir at the in-between stage. Then I will know I am ready and thats the correct time I think to tell everyone that doesn’t already know. Of course I am going to tell my best friend next on my list before this stage. Who knows how that will go… maybe that will be the next blog.

Best of luck to all, Sandy