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Its been an interesting week, life I guess you could say. This weekend the parents called and someone told them about my transsexual behavior. I grew up in a very conservative family and didn’t even know what it meant to be gay till around 15. I was very sheltered and even went to a private school. I guess most people would think that made our family rich but we were far from that. The funny things is that they think cross dressing has to do with homosexuality. I had to explain that this has nothing to do with sexuality. Then they wanted to know the reason, what I would gain being a woman. Talk about being put on the spot. I couldn’t really explain my reasoning, but what can you say when your caught off guard. I am still stunned that they know. I am lucky they don’t live here or they would drag me to the church and have the pastor throw holly water on me all night long in hopes I would change. I can’t imagine what my parents are thinking about all of this. Once they calmed down they thought it had to do with the clothing, yes womens clothing is better than mens clothing, but thats not what its about. How do you explain the disconnect from your imagine in the mirror to how you feel? How do you explain hating your pictures and not wanting to see yourself because it doesn’t fit what you are. Its hard to explain why you feel everything is wrong. Its hard to say to someone I don’t want to grow old as a man and that you can’t relate to men beyond casual conversation. Its also hard to say that without testosterone in your body all the sudden everything is more clear. Its like you just woke up from a long strenuous fight and realized you didn’t like the fight in the first place. You smile more, laugh more and are engaged in others more. Then you realize you never want to be that other person again. I often struggled with rage and control issues before and now thats all gone away. Its easier to talk about whats really bothering me instead of blowing up about everything.
Its odd the single life was easy and I didn’t have to face these issues. I always wanted to dress up, but didn’t it was just in the back of my mind all the time. Now that I am married this has brought me to term with with who I am and what I want to be. As a single person it didn’t matter if I was upset and actually I didn’t have as many issues because I didn’t have to think about how to relate to people or have meaningful relationships. I ran into issues though at work where I would blow off steam and really ruined a good chance at quite a few great jobs because I couldn’t listen to anyone. Its odd to say, but being married has been the saving grace of me finding myself and finally dealing with who I am.
I once prayed that God would make me the most loving, compassionate, helpful, patient, considerate person, along with some other things. I never realized by asking this he would turn me into a woman.
Why can’t you just be a man?
Those are the lines I have heard and even said to myself at times. The struggle within is so hard at times its unbearable and the struggle outside is even harder. I have been through a lot off different phases in my life and I am sure some people would live to think of this as a phase as well. If you think about society as a whole they want to put you into a stages weather you want them to or not.. First you have infancy, and then toddler stages… Well you get my point. So when I told the wife hey I want a woman and she said great, I hope you get out of this stage fast. I am glad she was supportive although her first reaction was not really that well taken it is still her hope. I know she really wants me to move on and we move on and become a normal family. That’s the trick though how do you become a normal family? I have always been a little gender varied of a person and when you’re a male if your feminine that means you’re gay. I don’t care how metro sexual of society we believe we are in seeing a guy holding a bunny saying isn’t it cute just doesn’t fit into today’s society. Well there is more than that, you see the first movie I remember was Yentle, and how Barbra Streisand was able to dress as a man. Oh I thought that would be great I would love to dress and pass as a woman. What kind of a kid thinks that?
Then there is the other side of this coin is great, so your transgendered. In this day and age that’s easy to fix just go get on hormones and get a sex change already… Oh so much easier said than done. You see for transgendered individuals we have these standards and according to them you have to see a psychiatrist first. Then he gets to say sorry its all in your head, or good luck. Once he says good luck you have to be living as a woman for a year, yeah that’s like a moth to a flame. Ok doc I have no boobs. I can’t look like a woman if I try but let’s go into public and let the people look at the freak. Then if you’re really lucky to pass the public humiliation and I can’t imagine saying hey boss I know you know me as Frank but please call me Sandy. Then and only then can you get a prescription and finally get on hormones. Also during this time you find out your insurance doesn’t pay for your psychiatrist, doesn’t pay for your prescriptions and then guess what its going to cost you 27k for facial surgery which might get botched at which point you might end up spending upwards of 180 it happens and another 15k or so for well the sex change all out of your pocket and guess what your boss, he fired you. He couldn’t deal with seeing you in dresses. Your family and wife are gone and your kid taken away because after all you’re the transgendered one. More good news, you think you want to kill yourself at this time, but guess what if you’re a youth your part of the 50% now and if you’re an adult there is 31,000 out of 100,000 that does kill themselves. If that isn’t enough 1 out of 12 transgendered individuals are killed and there were 231 hate crimes committed just last year in the United States. Sounds like a great life doesn’t it? The porn industry would have you believe that shemales or transsexuals are so pretty, feminine always happy and horny. It’s easy to get sucked into thinking it would be great to just be a transsexual after seeing all the beautiful women online. The truth though is a very scary one that should be more known than what the industry would like you to see.
Yet after reading everything I have and see all the information there is the question in mind is, if I could, would I? Of course hands down I would choose to be all the woman I could be. It’s hard to explain. I recently read a book, “My Husband Betty” and it was so true to life it was scary. For a person that is truly all women inside that is all they will ever feel like they are. It’s kind of like a fish out of water. All of life it feels is trying to conform to someone’s standard of how to act and what you should say. The truth is I love the feel of silk, I would much rather smell flowers and cook then ever sit in a cold garage fussing with a car. That doesn’t mean that I am not mechanically inclined because trust me I have pulled more parts out a car than I would care to mention (now that’s a picture a tranny under a car). I would rather die than watch a football, golf, or any other sports show I could think of. Yet it’s still just a dream. The reality is that I can’t loose a job or miss place my family. This is the probably the truth of quite a few t-girls and t-guys. We live till we can’t stand anymore and make a change. Some of us are lucky though and have significant others that love us in spite of our gendered differences and we have great sex anyways. Even though they say things like, “why can’t you just be a man” we know they wouldn’t love us if were any different than what we are.
Just thought I would post after my fourth visit to the electrolysis. Yes I have decided this facial hair must go. So I started hair removal like everything else, I did research. Lots of research, and decided that electrolysis is really the only way to go. I checked into laser, pulse lighting even bought some of those cheep machines that zap you (and thats all they do). Then I decided there is no other way to go, electrolysis is it. So I start searching for an electrolysis, and lucky me I run across a little shop downtown. The funny thing is the person running it is a Transsexual. So hands down thats where I started going. She is awesome and we have a blast talking, but I should mention the pain. Has anyone ever told you Beauty is Pain… I don’t care what they say. If you see a beautiful woman they are in pain. Let me explain, its not easy plucking eye brows, epilators (a new torture device), and makeup alone takes forever. While most people don’t think of these things when they see a beautiful woman I do. If they do not appear like they are in pain just ask them what they eat. How many models end up in hospitals for anerixa or other issues.
If you still think its easy being beautiful, I dare you to sit down and get one hair electrocuted off your face. If you think thats easy then come sit down and let me run an epilator on your legs. It makes me wonder if the industry likes inflicting pain? There has to be an easier way to get rid of hair, but then thats the cost of beauty. My only other though when it comes to beauty and pain is that I wish facial feminization surgery was this simple and painless. I can’t even imagine the pain these people go through to have there skulls broken apart, reshaped and then put back together with screws.
Then again for every action in this world there is an equal and opposite reaction… The same is for emotions as well, for every up there is a down and I guess for every pain there is beauty. So bring on the pain, I am ready to look beautiful. Now if I only had the funds…
I just ran across this article about how they are passing a law in Jacksonville, Mississippi. Its a law that if you are too fat they are going to turn you away from restaurants. Here is the article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22997073/wid/11915773?gt1=10914
Are we teaching people its okay to be intolerant of those that are different? What kind of a society do we live in where its okay to turn away those that are too fat. Whats next its okay to turn away customers because they don’t look right. Sorry that was a rather manly looking woman, that was a scary looking guy. I agree that obesity is a real issue in the United States but can’t we come up with a better idea? Its kind of like what law makers are doing with the housing market. The market is crashing so now lets make it harder to get into a house. Sometimes it makes me really glad politicians don’t get involved in heath care as bad as it is they might just make it much worse. What are they thinking?