It is often stated that one should forgive and forget. I have come to think of this quite differently. While I agree we should always forgive individuals I have a different mindset about forgetting. Maybe that is just life or the hardening of my heart, but I have the thought we should never forget. People will say they are sorry, people will come up with great reasons for their actions but many of those actions will never change. Just as people do not change in ways we would wish. Its naive almost to think about forgiving and forgetting. Its not smart either and really people should not apologize for behaviors they cannot change. I once heard a person say that they hated how often someone would say they were sorry. His statement was why apologize for a nature or action that you’re not going to change. It’s a pointless gesture in much the same way we ask how someones day is. We are not really interested in hearing the utmost intimate details of ones life. It’s just a gesture to say hey I noticed you there and couldn’t think of anything interesting to say, so how ya doing? At the time I thought the person was rude for saying that they hated hearing sorry so often. Now I really think they had a point. So if its nature and the habit is not going to change then why say sorry? Why not just say this is my nature I could say sorry but I am not going to change. I know it’s not pc but it would cut out a lot of bs in really knowing who someone is. There is a lot to life that really if we take a deep look it’s just a cloud of deception to hide the reality. I almost wish there was no such thing as political correctness no such masks for individuals then we would really know people. I say almost because there is a nice layer of hope that comes from deception.
Lots of people are people wondering what the hell. We have not had an update from you in years and you come back with this? I am done with this blog forever. Yes, sorry its been way too long. I really miss writing my feeling out on some wall. Let me write the back story and maybe you will forgive me, did I mention I was sorry? Okay the honest truth is that I have been writing in my mind for years. I have keeping things bottled up for a lifetime. It all has to come out sometime. Well here is the back story. When I last left I didn’t know if I would ever see my parents again. My ex hated me but talked about maybe coming back at some point and I was here with two kids trying to be a everything to them. Not much has changed well except I did finally see my parents. My oldest son finally meet his mom. Oh and my ex is still talking about someday coming back. So some progress in my life and more on that back story.
It took my parents five years to come to terms with things a bit. Still they miss gender and purposefully call me their son all the time. Its frustrating and yes I have cut conversations short because of that. Most of the time on the phone the entire conversations are steered well away from my gender and transition. When that becomes the conversation it was in the past about how I was going to hell. For parents the fastest way to kill off your transsexual kid would be to tell them they are going to hell. Trust me most kids will take that very seriously and it’s probably the reason for the suicide rate. We can apologize, say we are sorry but this is our nature and not going to change. Trust me on this one if we could change we would. This is not an easy road and time only makes things more difficult for some things and easier for others. Either way the only reason my parents finally let me visit was my father’s health. He is not doing so great. He had a hip replacement and his body is rejecting it in some ways. The hip replacement was a while ago but basically it’s slowly poising his body. We have talked off and on in email and it came down to the reality. I wanted him to see his grandchildren. One of which he had never meet and he is 5 this year. It was very good though to finally see them. I know things have always been rough between us but that week actually was very good. I am thankful that things are at the point where I can at least visit them once again.
I was also able to talk with my ex my oldest sons mom. We had not spoken in seven years. My other ex was hanging up on her and making things almost impossible for her. I had lost touch and she had also moved ten times over the last seven years. The good thing is that I was able to spend a week with her as well. I found out through her that my mother thinks I look way better now. How odd to find out information like that through someone you have not spoken too in a long time. That is my family though, sweep things under the rug and don’t say anything. True feelings and thoughts can never be spoken of, but I digress from the point. My ex spending time with her and seeing her made me realize I don’t always pick bad people. I do however have the worst timing in the world and hid who I was for a very long time. I still hide much today we all d,o behind our political correctness and our, “how are you’s.”
Its been an interesting month. A month of tears but not tears of sorrow. Its been a month of reflection on the past. This is why I think we should never forget. Things that are said and done are part of who people are. Its part of the fabric of life and part of what makes us who we are. If we forget we are not learning from the past, we are free not to make the same mistakes. I for one know who I am, and realize who people are that I have had extended time with. I do not hold grudges with those people but will not allow extended time in my heart for those people. There is no apologies, no sorry’s that will make up for nature. I would rather move on for something more whole in my life and looking forward for that. Maybe now that I have addressed the past its time to move on to the future.