One big step

   Its been a while, probably a little past my normal one month update.  Its been a crazy busy month with the holidays upon me as well.  So much to do and so many things to prepare for with winter already upon me.  I am not ready for winter, that part is for sure.  If there is anything I hate its freezing for 6 months maybe 7 months straight.  I am one of those girls that leaves the house a toasty 72 degrees and when the world is white I still freeze.  I am sure it’s mostly a mental thing, but just knowing how cold it is outside makes me shiver.  I went the Day of Remembrance as well this year and was saddened by the hate in the world.   I also became a member of church this last month (odd hu).  The biggest change, I am out living as a woman everyday.  Yeah big changes this month I know. 

First things first.  I really wanted to write a whole thing up on the Day of Remembrance.  It’s a huge thing and I think everyone should take time to reflect on all those people who died just being themself.  This last year was just horrendous with over 160 deaths to transgendered individuals.  Some of the deaths where so cruel and just more than you could imagine happening in real life.  I don’t understand how people can have such hate over nothing.  Maybe I am a different person than most, but I think the only thing that counts is whats inside.  Even in a case where its a somewhat romantic relationship, I would be more thoughtful about the other person.  I think the issue comes when people just want to hook up and don’t really get to know another person.  Then there is no connection mentally so the first reaction would be from more of a selfish standpoint.  I also never understood hate for those that are different.  I grew up in a state that was very tough being bullied all the time.  I dealt with so many issues, teasing from so many people just for being different.  It’s not like this is anyones choice, this is who we are.  It’s like kindergarten or something only with serious consequences for these individuals.  I hate to say it but I never understood why we can’t just all get along.  Isn’t there enough hate and anger in the world without bringing more into it?  I figured this out at a very young age I don’t see why others can’t grow up.  My thoughts on those people, you will be remembered.  I have a lot of love for those brave enough to be who they are, uniquely themself.  Lots of love to you.

I have been going to a Unitarian Church now for a while.  An odd thing happened a few weeks back.  I was asked to become a member.  It was odd and ironic to me because I had been in other churches for years.  I was never asked to be anything at some and I was there for 10 years.  I had even offered so much of myself to other places but felt like they didn’t want my help.  So it was a good feeling.  I belong somewhere and they like me enough to have me as a member.  I couldn’t turn that down, so I am now a member.  It’s a difficult time for that church as well.  They are merging with another church and the building they are in is being torn down.  So while t’s a good time and great to be a member it’s a sad moment as well for the entire church.  It’s also a time of rejoicing since it the church will now grow by double, in a bigger building, and a time of change.  I think a time of change as a good thing.  I have noticed in life, changes that shake your foundation are times of great personal growth.  So its a hope that we will all grow as a church and a congregation. 

All this growth and change has lead me to my own changes.  I started having people refer to me as madam all the time.  It didn’t matter what I wore or where I went.  It was just time to be real for me as well.  This last month I have been tossing the wig being more real and being everywhere as me.  I found that people would see me as a woman without makeup and without even trying.  So it came to that point where I just showed up at work.  I had spoken with human resources a few months before and last week.  This however was unplaned and a shock.  I was so nervous I just showed up on Wednesday as me.  It was time, and my nerves where so shot.  I was able to come out though and am out as me with the whole office knowing that I am transgendered.  I am sure I will deal with all kinds of issues, but now its out there.  My boss was amazing through the whole ordeal.  I think everyone really handled it amazingly well.  I was the one that was a mess through it and even broke out in tears at one point.  The girls in my area where so sweet about the whole thing.  I hope that things stay this good, but I know I will deal with issues.  It’s ok though I think its time to be who I am, and stop hiding.  I am a woman always have been and there is a great release now that I can authenticity me.  When I came home it was a joy to grab all the clothing that I hated and toss them out.  I will keep everyone up to date, but this was the day I was dreading and looking forward to since the beginning.  It’s almost a surreal moment when you toss of the old miss conception of who you are and start living.

Consequences for Actions II

   I wanted to follow up again about Las Vegas.  I know it seems I can’t talk enough about it and it has not been all that positive.  I did meet someone there though that was a very decent person.  I meet this person there that is transsexual and started transitioning over ten years ago.  She was a very passable woman and in any other place than the bar we where in, she would have flown under the radar.  I only ended up talking to her by mistake and then realized it was someone else I was talking too.  Even after talking to her I though she was a female it was only after some time did I realize she was transsexual.  For a woman to pass so well another transsexual can’t really tell is a remarkable feat.  I only really mention her because it was only after talking with her did I realize the full story.  From my understanding Las Vegas has a lot of transgendered individuals that are homeless, but it’s not because they are transgendered.  This could be the case for some of them but what she told me was that quite a few of them are hooked on drugs.  It saddens me to hear this, and in another way it makes me feel that maybe there is hope for people who are just transitioning.  Maybe the world is not so cold that it will cast out those that don’t conform to social normalcy.  There is always hope… 

  Then there are just bad days.  I always “love” talking to my mother about transitioning.  It’s always great to hear someones views that are so deeply planted in old society thought.  She loves to try to find verses in the Bible and point out how wrong it is for a man to wear women clothing.  She even found the verse to back it up, but here is the thing…  I am not a man I am a transsexual.  Also there is one verse on that and many, many others on eunuch’s which is the old world word for transsexual.  What I find very interesting about it is further study has so many interpretations for that word.  Also going back to the bible it says nothing, but good things about eunuch’s.  So I sent two of those verses back.  I know this is another stumbling block for me but really I have a heart that I don’t want to go against God.  I don’t feel like this is him vs me and never did but some people like to make things about that.  It’s just good to have some backup that is even in the Bible.

Consequences for Actions

I know its been about a month since I last wrote an article.  So it’s about that time again to write another journal of thoughts.  I have so many different things I could write about.  It’s really been quite an eventful month and not all that good to be honest.  I have always heard it said that things happen in threes, if thats the case I am way past that.  I have had a month from hell and yet I am still as hopeful as ever.  Everything starting going down hill this month when my other car broke down.  Yes I already have another car, but it’s always had issues.  This time I ran into a case where the significant other was going for her driving test.  We went there and then realized the insurance card was expired.  So I had to run in and get a fax of the current proof of insurance.  In all that took  about an hour.  Then after we got that we walked back out to the car and poof it wouldn’t even start.  Not even a click so there when one day getting that towed in.  Everyone thought it was the starter so I ran quickly and got a starter.  It was the last day for cash for clunkers and I thought maybe we could make it.  I am not the best when it comes to mechanics and rather hate it but it was worth a shot.  So I scrambled put a new starter in and still nothing.  The car would not even crank over.  So it was out for a good two weeks.  Then I had it towed in again to another shop and found it was just an ignition wire, well part of something there anyways that got fried.  In all this cost me well over 300 for the tow and the labor for an old car that I should have just traded in.  Before all of this exactly one week before this our basement got flooded.  It was so bad I had to have the carpet tore out of a room.  I also pulled out two of the panels in the wall only to find dead mice (which is always a great sight) and more mold.  My insurance doesn’t cover anything mold or a flooded basement and the outside drain well thats shot.  We have a french drain so I am told where the pipe was clay and the pipe caved it.  This was the major contributor to the whole issue.  Then on top of this I had my son get really sick with a bad fever and jury duty to show up for.  Well actually the jury duty was interesting.  I showed up for a Federal Grand Jury summons and didn’t even have to make an excuse to get out of it.  So maybe there is only three things that went wrong…  or was there something more?  Then this last week we have all been sick with the flu… I hope it’s not the swine flu but knowing my luck lately I wouldn’t doubt it.  In all though I ran into some videos from JSavano on you tube and she was so right in what she said.  I really have to hand it to her, she said something that got to me when I was out on my own.  She said in her video that you can do anything in this life that you want.  Its your choice and your life make the most of it and do what you want.  She is so right its about setting goals for yourself believing in yourself and achieving wonderous things.  So in all this month was hard but I know it can only get better from here at least I hope it does.  I am also back on track working on my diet and doing lots of exercise again.

I almost lost my train of thought about this article.  The real reason for the title is not my little issues but more a second thought on Las Vegas.  The real reason I hated it there was not so much my issues of people seeing me and calling me out on being transgendered.  That was not the most disturbing thing, and its bound to happen no matter how well you pass.  The thing that really got to me was that when we start to transition we lay everything on the line.  We hit a point where we say no more and chance everything we have on transitioning.  Well its easy to say, and easy to hit that point for us.  It’s not so easy to see other that hit that point and lost.  When I went there I found many others that not only tried to transition they didn’t make it.  You could see it in their eyes the desperation, the desire to be something more.  Yet they where living on the streets as female kind of, with rags for clothing.  It’s different when say you will risk it all and see those that fail.  It’s almost surreal to see and very disheartening.  So is it consequences for actions or just bad timing?  I would tend to think and want to think there was something more that landed these people where they are now.  Yet who can know?  While it might seem wrong I want to think there is something more that happened, because I want hope.  I want to be able to keep moving on with my life and have the hope that others will understand.  I wonder though if we really live in a cold world that has no understanding and no place for those that are “different.”  So is it really the world that tries to impose these consequences for those that are different or something more that happened?  Yet I still have hope because I see people who are successful at it all the time.  I just have the hope that maybe I can be one of those that is successful.

First Gender Neutral Day

I have a confession to make.  While it might seem odd I have always dressed in dark colors, and bad clothing on purpose.  Some people when they try to hide being gender variant will do masculine sports, weight lift do all sorts of things to appear male.  For me this was also dressing in the darkest or wost clothing for my skin tones.  I did it quite on purpose as another way to hide who I am.

Since I came out to human resources well one person I made a pact to start working toward female by being gender neutral.  I went work today a little further than gender neutral and no one as much as rolled an eye.  I showed up with a very light shirt with complimentary colors, a tan cami underneath, and some female dress pants.  I did not even look male today and yet no one even thought anything or said anything.  Its odd to me I look in the mirror and I don’t even look the same to me.  I am so much softer than I did before its amazing what hormones do, well that and vitamins.  My wrinkles on my forehead have almost dissapeared, and my shape no longer even resembles male.  Its amazing wonderful, and yet there are parts of this that scare me.  My wife has become very difficult to talk with at all.  Its obvious she is not ok with this and I wonder how much longer our relationship will last.  Its been tough on us in an already suffereing relationship.  I don’t think we will make it through this whole thing and yet that its not the worst thing that could happen I am sure.  After watching the special on ABC Chloe I am starting to think it might be tougher to make it through the transition and still be married with someone that didn’t want a transgendered husband.  Watching that special makes one almost want to reconsider transitioning…  almost but its not like we have a choice.  This is who we are as a person and how we relate to the world.

Which way are you transitioning…

I know its been a long time since I have posted probably a little too long.  I have just been living life and to be honest been having some fun at it.  There are some not so fun times as well but mostly enjoying things outside of home life.  I have watched quite a bit of stories about other transgendered individuals and I always finding it interesting how they come out.  I think this is most in part because this is what I fear the most.  Here my whole life I have dealt with people thinking I was gay.  Now I am going to do something even more scary.  Its something that has always concerned me how would I live if I couldn’t really fully get where I want.  In some ways that would be worse than someone thinking I was gay, or would it be.  A huge part of transitioning is coming to terms with who you are and how you want people to see you.  You hope for the best, take your hormones, hold off in kind of a gender no man land for as long as possible then transform.  Well that’s the hope anyways.

I have something kind of major that has happened.  A few people at my work are leaving.  While most of them would have no dealings with one important person is leaving.  The human resource person is leaving.  By that I mean she is leaving before the end of the year.   She is moving across the state which means that I hit a time line.  I had to tell her before she left.  It was one of those moments where I debated and debated it all morning.  I thought I was crazy and yet crazy not too.  I have so many friends that have transitioned and lost there jobs.  I know its against the law to fire a transgendered individual, but lets face it its easy to let someone go for any reason what so ever.  In the end I did it I walked into the office and told her.  I think she thought I was going to quit, I know it seemed kind of odd to her why I wanted to close the door.  Then after that I just kind of blurted it out.  The look on her face was a little shocked.  We started talking about things then she asked the oddest question of all.  She asked me which way I am transitioning…  I understand that at some point I was going to become gender neutral but this was new to me.  Here this person had no idea or she says was now asking what gender I am.  This really struck me, and was quite a compliment all in one.  So I explained that was transitioning into female and showed her what I look like.  After everything she said there are laws to protect me and that I could start dressing when ever.  Its kind of nice to have the go ahead all the sudd,en but I have more left to do before that moment.

I know she stated I could dressing but I can’t I have more to do.  I have to get into the gender neutral mode of dressing, and talking.  I want to get people everywhere to the point where they think I am female before I walk in that door with a name change and makeup.  Thats really my goal and has been for a while.  I want to get so far into that gender neutral spot that people start wonder why I don’t wear makeup.  So my first step is to stop wearing the compression shirts.  I also am going to stop lowering my voice all the time.  Its kind of scary because now people will really think I am gay, or not know what gender I am.  For me this is the moment where all those walls have to come down.  If I am going to transition this is the step for me to learn to be myself.  To show my emotions, likes, dislikes and really just stop putting up a wall around me.  This is not an easy step by any means because I will feel very vonerable.  All my life I have learned to hide who I am my emotions and self regulate things.  Its like you learn to censor yoursef and ask is that too gay to say.  Then if it is you try to rephase things so people won’t think your feminine.  After time you build this kind of fake image of yourself.  Transitioning is really about removing all the wall and learning to be real around others while changing your outword image as well.